Champagne Mafia

Consideration...

2009-12-06T13:13:00.002-06:00

I think this blog is ready to come to a close. It strayed from my original intentions and I'm no longer that person anyway. What I need now is a place I can openly, anonymously vent. I've cultivated an image that is, at times, exhausting to keep up and my personal and professional lives have bleed together too much to vent as "myself." After all...I still have an image to maintain.

If I start up again, I let on. Truth be told, I may not.

Wow

2009-10-17T14:30:00.003-05:00

I just learned yesterday that I'm on major, national news network. This network picked up an article I was in from another MAJOR national source.

I'm national. Major national. And I recently finished my first 5K.

The long string of recent men that can't be bothered to treat me the way I deserve can suck it.

Uh...Sure...Congrats?

2009-09-05T20:49:00.002-05:00

Facebook...ah, yes...Facebook. Through Facebook, you learn everything. And kids, what did we learn tonight on Facebook???

Once upon a time, not that long ago, the ring leader of the Champagne Mafia was told by a former gentleman of her past that while he loved his girlfriend, he could not stop thinking about her. About the sex. The girlfriend just wasn't as good as her.

"I can't stop thinking about the times we were together."

"Really?" Champagne would ask. "Because it's not like it was swinging from the chandeliers type sex or anything."

Let's face it, this was a man intimidated by my vibrator.

But yes, he often thought about how "hot" our sex was. Every so often would try to get together with me. Matter of fact, every time we've seen each other over the last year and a half, he's mentioned it.

And today, he announced on Facebook that his girlfriend has agreed to marry him.

Lucky girl.

*cough*

On Boys, Christians and Speaking Up for Yourself

2009-08-15T13:00:00.003-05:00

I don't even know where to begin.

Let's start with "boys" with also includes some of the "speaking up for yourself." Never did hear from JJK until about a month ago. He sent me a message asking if I'd won a contest my company was in. And I. let. him. have it!!!

"I originally was going to let this go unsaid, but am now changing my mind.
You've got a lot of nerve to act like you're interested in something of my life
now when you just stop calling a couple of months ago. It was growing obvious to
me that apathy was settling in, but still. We'd been seeing each other for over
four and a half months. I deserved the uncomfortable conversation. If it'd been
under a month - fine. Sure. No Problem. But almost FIVE months. I deserved more.
I deserved better. In the beginning, you seemed so different from other guys I'd
gone out with...more kind, thoughtful. Nice. In the end, your actions towards me
were no different than anyone else's. Apparently, you could just hide it better.
So thanks. You've been a real peach."

He apologized. Should've been more of a man, blah, blah. I never returned his email. But I have to say, it felt soooooo good to get that off of my chest. Even though I've always been pretty assertive and spoken up in business, it's only been in the last year or so that I've done so in my personal life. But it all boils down to this...you teach people how to treat you. Sure, I'm not getting laid anymore, but when do it's with someone that's actually interested in me.

And that's sooooo much better.

Onto the "Christians" and this time, not so much speaking up for yourself. For the last couple of days, there's been a heated Christianity debate on the FB page of a friend of mine's. It sure as fuck didn't start the way, but a "friend" of hers started one and really went into crazy nut bag about it as well. It started with a link to the video of Chris Mathews asking an unrepentant, clueless radical why he brought a "god-damned" gun to a presidential appearance. Everyone's talking about the video when this woman talks about how offended she is over the words "god damn" and said that Chris Matthews was going onto God's "Watch list." She talked about how we needed God and should talk about spirituality instead of worldly events and she was going to pray for our souls.

And during all of this I had a thought. The type of thought that is WILDLY unpopular, hence "not so much speaking up for yourself." I'm not religious. I was raised in the church, but can tell you the EXACT moments that I decided that church and organized religion was no longer for me. The experiences that turned me off are THAT vivid. But I don't mind your religion and I don't give a shit what it is. Pray to God, Jesus, the Holy Trinity, Allah, Buddah, your cat, the trees, whatever. I don't care. But don't you dare start trying to shove it down my throat.

So here's my horrible, I couldn't speak of it in public thought...If I think about it...I'm better than the religious. Why you ask? Because I try to do the right thing, act ethically and treat others well just because. I'm not doing it to get into heaven, or avoid hell, or because I've been guilted into it because of some ethereal being. I do it because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't always get me a good outcome, but it's the right thing to do.

Which doesn't lead me to my next point, but it's the other thing I want to talk about...

I've always believed that everything happened for a reason. However, if that's really the case, then what the FUCK is the universe trying to tell me right now...

A few weeks ago, I went into my current fave restaurant and a friend that I hadn't seen in AGES is working there now. He and I plus many others used to always hang together when we all worked in downtown. So then a couple of weeks ago, I was in again and we were talking after he got off work. Turns out, we BOTH had has this total crush on each other back in the day and neither of us said/did anything about it. He didn't do anything because he thought I wasn't interested. I didn't do anything because I thought he was out of my league. He, of course, was SHOCKED at that idea but I was 21/22 and thought everyone worth being interested in was out of my league.

So as we talk he says, "I feel like there's this kiss that we need to get out of the way," and grabs my face and plants the most passionate kiss on my lips. Still in the restaurant. In front of ALL of his co-workers. I pull away in shock because this was just waaaay to hot for being in public. Later, we go at in on the patio. And then at my house. It was some of the hottest kissing EVAAAAR!!! And I'm not sure if it's because it was over a decade in the making or because I didn't expect it from someone so quiet.

Probably a mix of both.

We do end up having sex, but not before a harsh (on my end), honest discussion. "Are you just looking to fuck me and never speak to me again because I'll kick you out right now?"

"No."

"Are you just saying that to get some?"

"No"

"Are you sure"

"Yes"

"Seriously. Because I'm going to tell you right now, casual is not OK with me and I'll hunt your fucking ass down and kick it if I find out you're lying to me."

"I'm not. But let's turn this around. Who's to say you'll have me again?"

"Because I'll almost always give a second chance...especially to someone I really like."

"What do you mean 'second chance'"?

"Second go 'round, because the first time is never that great. Usually it's just awkward."

Dear god in heaven I totally laid down the gauntlet. It was like I'd issued up a challenge or something. It was definitely one of the hottest "first times" in history. And how I was complaining that JJK would never kiss me during? This one did. A lot. Would grab my face and pull me to him to kiss me. Everything was just shocking and perfection.

Except for the nail broken below the quick anyway...but I digress...

The next day I got a text..."I still got your kiss burning on my lips."

And the beautiful hotness and connection continued daily for the rest of the week. Mainly with us texting while he was at work. Some funny. Some HOT but all appreciated. The last text I received from him was after I told him I'd had a long day and was going to bed but thought his arms needed to be around me again soon..."These arms of mine are burning and yearning for you and if you would let them hold you, you'd feel brand new. Sleep well."

It's the only time I've ever been spoken to that way by a man and not wanted to vomit. I was completely and totally smitten. Full on crush.

But my full on crush fully crashed. I didn't hear from him again. After a couple of days I sent a text - You've gone from burning and yearning to nothing. What the hell happened? If something's going on or different, I'd rather know sooner than later.

He apologized and said he was going through some personal drama that he didn't want to involve me in but he hoped to make it up to me soon. Fine. Fair enough.

So I was in the week after and found out what the drama was. I figured it was ex-wife or child or some other such nonsense. Boy fuck was I wrong. He has cancer!!!!! Totally dropped that shit on me and walked off. Seriously. I'd gone in for happy hour and had barely started my cocktail. He comes up and asks how I am.

"Fantastic."

"How's everything going?"

"Fabulous!" It's not, but I'm not going to tell that to him. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't really know me doesn't need to know. "How are you?"

"Cursed."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah...I'm fucking cursed."

"You're not 'fucking cursed'."

"Yes I am. I have cancer."

I gasp and am fully speechless. He says, "Yeah, that's kinda how I feel about it to. Gotta work." and walks off.

So now I know absolutely NOTHING about what's going on. Type. Stage. Nothing. I hung out with the owner's wife for most of the evening and he barely spoke to me again. I was getting ready to leave and was looking for him to say goodbye when I saw him in his car taking off. It broke my heart. I went to another bar where the bartender just knew I was having a bad night and made me a vodka the size of my head. He asked if I wanted to talk about it but I said no. I knew if I did, I'd totally start crying.

When I got home, I sent him a text that I didn't care, I still liked him. What did I get back???

"Dude!! I went to get Art cigs and when I got back, you'd split!"

I told him I thought he'd left me and next time, say something. Apologies. He's all in his head and not thinking about anything else. Pain. Treatment. He's scared. Definitely not trying to be rude. I again tell him that I didn't care, I dig him. The next day I told him if he wanted to get together for coffee, drinks, whatever that I'm sure this is very frightening and I'd like to lend an ear, shoulder, hug. He said it was kind of me to offer, could be nice and he'd give a call.

Seriously, I don't know where the fuck all this is coming from. The commitment phobe just told the cancer patient she likes him anyway. I've been through this before. I've been the caretaker for people in chemo. It's ugly. Really, really ugly.

So if everything happens for a reason, what is this experience and my reaction to it trying to say/teach me...

Done

2009-05-17T10:14:00.002-05:00

Haven't heard from The Boy in over two and a half weeks. I'm sending him to "the island."

SatC devotees know what I'm talking about!!

The vast majority of me doesn't give a shit. But there is a tiny part of me that is pissed and thinks, "Seriously?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!? You can actually go from us fucking like rabbits and the 'I miss yous' and 'I can't wait to see you agains' to NOTHING. Without so much as an 'I'm done' or 'It's not working anymore' or "KISS MY ASS"."

So you can go fuck yourself. Because I won't be doing it again. Ever. And when I'm a national superstar and you're still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, you can say, "Wow. And I could have had her."

Then again, you may have held me back too. Good luck...and Good Riddance...

Perhaps...

2009-05-06T20:47:00.003-05:00

So, I have a feeling that if you've gone from feeling guilty when someone flirted with you to not feeling the tiniest twinge of guilt when you're making out with someone in the backroom of the club, you're probably done right??

Looks like I'm done with The Boy. It's been a slow build I've been feeling. It started simply - the noise he makes because he has this HORRIBLE habit of sucking on his teeth. He does it all the time and it's annoying as fuck. I tried to get him to stop to no avail. I told him it bothered me, but he didn't stop. I told him it made my muscles twitch and skin crawl - nothing. Told him I heard it in my head ALL. The. Time. Nada. Even tried the passive aggressive making of a similar noise each and every time he did it.

Yep. You guessed it. Never stopped. I don't think he ever made the conscious effort to.

Then, there was something else that was starting to slowly bug the shit out of me. When we started "getting to business" he wouldn't kiss me. Even angled his head in such a way that I physically couldn't get my mouth to his without it hurting my neck. I actually head butted him once to try and get him to move his fucking head!

Did he?

Nope.

I'd just about gotten to the point that I was going to talk to him about it when the whole house got sick. I didn't see him for over a week and so once I saw him again, I was so excited about seeing him that all the things that bugged me flew out the window.

Almost.

Because there's another thing. I know that things settle and relationships and people lose their "newness." But there are a couple of things that are pretty much a requirement for me - and those things aren't there. We don't go out. The last time we went out to dinner together was in February. He doesn't even cook for me anymore. It's gone from us making dinner together to me having to eat before I go over there. I've gone with him to meet his friends - even when they wouldn't speak to me, but he wouldn't come with me to a friend's birthday dinner.

So when the big things I'm looking for in a relationship is someone to go out and do things with, and visit new restaurants with, and enjoy time with...and we're not doing ANY of these things...then why waste time?

I surprised him last week because I was on his side of town. He was FUUUUUUCKED UP on medications that the doctor gave him. It was soooo unbelievably horrible that I actually left 15 minutes later. I was super-excited because I'd just been at a KILLER concert and he was just jacked.

And I haven't talked with him since.

I gave it a lot of thought and talked with KP about it. It's been almost 5 months and he's refusing to call me a girlfriend. He no longer makes plans for us. We don't go out. He won't come out with me; he won't even come over to my house. Not to mention that our schedules are COMPLETELY different so every time I go over to his house, it ends up sucking up at least 24 hours and killing almost an entire day of work. When I'm going over there twice a week, that adds up. And the worst part of all of it is that we haven't had sex in over a month. That's just unacceptable. I'd decided, I'm going to just hang back and see what happens. I figure, go through this week and next week I'm on vacation. I'll examine what happens over these two weeks and make a decision from there.

Last night made my decision for me. On the one hand, there's a guy that hardly acts interested anymore. I literally haven't received any communication of any sort in a full week. Then last night, I had seven men hit on me. SEVEN!!! Even made out with one of them in a back room.

And felt zero guilt. About any of it. Not that I should - it's been made perfectly clear that I'm not a girlfriend. But I used to feel bad when anyone even sort of flirted with me.

Houston, I think we have a decision...

And we also had a FANTASTIC time last night!!!

Hey You!

2009-04-17T15:27:00.002-05:00

Yeah, you...I don't like you.

You are the most unbelievably ignorant, ridiculous, manipulative bitch I've ever met.

And I'm unfortunately related to you.

Then...just to add insult to injury, you're trying to be a damned client of mine.

Why won't you fucking sod off!!!!!

Because I assure you, whatever amount of money that I'd receive from your business isn't worth the extreme irritation I'd feel dealing with you.

I can't even wish you to hell because it's obvious from your poor health record that you've either got nine lives or sold your soul to the devil already.

God you're annoying as shit.

Thoughts

2009-04-12T12:38:00.002-05:00

A few random thoughts that have come up today...

First...this may very well be the last entry I post here. I may also be removing this since I want to start a blog for my company and need to make sure the two don't connect. Ever. As much as I love my cocktail stories, I'm a brand now and lord knows the many indescretions of my youth aren't exactly conficence inducing. Or professional. But so it goes...

Next thought...how in the HELL do men not catch women faking orgasm?!?! Myself personally...the real deal? Comes with a full body tremble. I'm talking head to toe, uncontrollabe shakes like I'm having a siezure or something. The first time it happened with The Boy, he said he thought something was wrong. He knows better now. :-D

FYI - The Boy is the JJK of previous entries. We're still seeing each other and it's been good but I'm still overall cautious and am only letting myself become partly invested for various reasons.

Last thought...I've been watching "Closer" this morning. I love this movie. Always have even though it's pretty much just about how unbelievably horribly we can treat one another. But I had a thought that hadn't come to be before while watching this movie. (even if it has occasionally in real life.) How in the hell do people find the time to be in TWO relationships at the same time?!?! Do they not work??? I mean seriously?! It's hard enough to maintain one relationship, full-time work and some me time without too much compromise without having to keep up TWO freakin' relationships. Then again, my ex kept a second relationship going without my knowledge for over a year - and we lived and worked together. So who the fuck knows?! It just amazes me because lord knows I don't have the time for that kind of shit.

But then again, I don't have that kind of conscious either.

Happy MLK Day!

2009-01-19T10:07:00.002-06:00

I have been so overwhelmed with emotion over the election and then the inauguration concert yesterday for Barack Obama. I'm just so elated that this country actually elected a black man and even more so - for the first time ever - I feel truly inspired for our country and truly inspired by and for the President.

I'm just in awe.

I'm excited that we'll finally have a person back in office that speaks intelligently. And thoughtfully. For the first time, I actually believe that the person in office gives a shit for someone other than himself.

I heard an excellent quote this morning:

"Rosa sat, so Martin could walk. Martin walked, so Obama could run. Obama ran, so our children can fly."

Let's just take a moment to let that sink in...

Rosa sat.
So Martin could walk.
Martin walked.
So Obama could run.
Obama ran.

So our children can fly.

The View actually discussed something this morning that didn't make me want to vomit - how racism is a learned behavior. And we need to teach our kids otherwise so that that doesn't sink in.

I was instantly reminded about something from my past. My very first crush. I was in kindergarten and in 5-year-old like with a boy named Michael. Michael was black and I had absolutely no idea. When we got our school group photo and I showed the family my "boyfriend" Michael, some of the family asked "Why him? He's black." I told them I didn't care. But I think something still got in there a little.

Stereotypes are there for a reason. Someone perpetuates them. Assholes.

I think one of the best, most honest songs out there right now is from the play "Avenue Q." It's called, "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist." And there's some truth to that.

But we're getting closer...

I'll close my random thoughts with this...

Thank you. Thank you to each and every person who has fought and even given up their lives so to bring us a little bit closer to the day that each and every person is equal and free.

Neglected...

2009-01-18T04:01:00.000-06:00

Oops! So it turns out...I have a blog!! And as best friend M pointed out to me the other day, I haven't updated in a month.

So where to begin....

We'll get the quick and less juicy stuff out of the way:

Work - right now biz is at a stand still. But I haven't exactly been doing much to help that out. Some more work on the model and such and I'll get back to it. In the meantime, I was offered part time personal assistant for a woman I used to work for in undergrad. She has cancer and her son put his life on hold to take care of her. She's starting to drive him nutters and they've hired me to "babysit" some. I'm mainly helping organize, but also some care taking bits as well. I had this moment last night while watching championship ballroom dancing where I felt like the majority of my life has been half-assed. So I got drunk and went to bed.
Sleep - my sleep schedule is all sorts of fucked up. Like right now. I was drunk and asleep a little after 8pm. Then woke up at 1:45am and now I can't get back to sleep. Through the majority of the week, I'll wake up somewhere between 4am and 5am, then take a mid-morning nap around 7 or 8. Been going on regularly for 2 weeks. I'm guessing the main cause is stress. That's usually what happens.
JR - helped him throw the New Year's Eve party to end all NYE parties!! Seriously. His friends are pretty dull for the most part but they really tore it down!!! As did I. He lives in a high rise in downtown and along with attending his party, I crashed 3 others in his building. It was a truly memorable night. Come to think of it, it totally deserves a post of its own.

Which brings us to boys. Or in this case - boy. I mentioned in an earlier post that I'd signed up for online dating yet again, wondering why when all you meet are the same idiots I could meet in the bar. We'll call him JJK. (because unfortunately, and confusingly, his first name is the same as JR's)

Well, I met one that I may have never met otherwise - even though we do have a couple of random people in common. His profile was pretty brief and the photos weren't the best, but I was intrigued. He sent an email that he liked my profile and wanted to get together for drinks or coffee. Again brief, but I was intrigued. After exchanging a couple of quick emails, we set up our first date - dinner and drinks at my friend's wine bar downtown (Tuesday night, week before Christmas). JJK is a sommelier and hadn't been yet.

The evening was perfection. He brought me a long-stemmed rose. He told me later in the evening that he chose that particular color because he thought it would match my hair. He was even cuter in person than his photos. (He told me later that he just had those two "ok" photos up as a precautionary thing. I did the same. He told me I looked much better in person.) He's the proverbial tall, dark and handsome, but definitely much more. He's so smart. And funny!!!!! He had me laughing so hard that I actually almost choked! A few times! Conversation was just click, click, click and there was never a lull. We closed down the restaurant and went to a pub. We closed that place down too! When we left, one of the bouncer's said, "You hurt her, and I'll drop you." And that sweet boy meant it too!!! :-) At the end of the night, he invited me over to his house the next evening to watch my favorite movie. We have a brief kiss - it was FREEZING outside - and then go to our respective homes.

The next day - I'm more than a little hung-over...but thankfully not horribly so. He calls later in the afternoon when he realizes that he's not given me an address or directions. I told him I didn't get a time either.

I go over that evening. Again - very nice. He owns his own home and it's quite large. Thankfully, it's also nice. Fabulous large kitchen. Pulled together just enough to not be scary bachelor pad, not so much that you question his straightness. Another great evening with snappy conversation and more kissing. I left about two in the morning. He even sent a text making sure I got home OK.

Third date - I invited him to come with me to the grand opening of a friend of mine's restaurant. Unfortunately on this evening, neither of us are feeling that well. He was having a whole upper respiratory issue and I was on the verge of an anxiety attack almost the whole evening. I'd not been working out and had been in too many loud, large crowds trying to run errands and finish up Christmas shopping. I barely ate a thing but did learn that we at least have similar tastes in food. The first date we split a pizza. This evening, we split appetizer, salad and entree. Once we were done with dinner, we did some late night shopping at the Border's around the corner. We spent about an hour in there roaming through the books. Again...loving the smartness. Also loving that he's also very into food.

Every so often, he just makes these kind gestures that just hook me. Like the way he split the last tomato of our fried green tomatoes appetizer and put half on my plate. Or when he sent me a text on Christmas eve asking how family time was going, knowing how much I was dreading it. (Seriously. I was sick and when I told mom that I realized I'd been sick on 3 of the last 5 Christmases, she blamed it on having to deal with the family! :-) )

Fourth date was back at his house, day after Christmas. We watched the entire cancelled series, Firefly. Again, neither of us feeling that well. At first I wasn't even sure if we were still on, but he said if I didn't mind his sniffle we were. I told him that I didn't mind his if he didn't mind mine. Here we are, middle of the night. I start falling asleep and he asks if I want to spend the night. "Only if you don't mind." He gave me a shirt and shorts to sleep in. But about 4, I couldn't sleep and my sinus headache started turning into a serious, major headache. I didn't want him to see me like that, so I tried to leave. I say "tried" because he wouldn't let me. He said it was so late, then got me drugs and water. First thing he said when we woke up the next day was asking how my head was.

Date 5 - New Year's Day. (He worked on NYE) Friends of mine I hadn't seen in over a year and a half were in town and he joined me. He passed the large group of strangers test with flying colors. After everyone left it was still early - only about 11. He asked what to do next. "Well, your options are we could stay here for another drink. Go elsewhere for another drink. Or go back to my place and make out." He chose the latter option. ;-) Only problem is, he is so obviously uncomfortable in my home. At least I eventually found out why - and it's no other reason than it's just not his home. Fair enough.

Now I want you to take note of something if you haven't already...no mention of sex. That's because up until this point, we hadn't had it! He didn't even really try to get into the pants region until the end of date 5!!! Which of course scored him brilliant brownie points. When I mentioned it, he said that he just had a feeling that wasn't a good direction to go. As in, he'll get shot down, I'll put him into the "that guy" category and probably not speak to him again. And he was correct in that assumption.

OK - I think this post is long enough and I'm almost tired enough to go back to sleep!!! Stay tuned though - this story isn't caught up to date yet and there are still GREAT things to come!!

Questioning...

2008-12-15T23:02:00.002-06:00

I just finished watching "Recount" and it raised tons of questions. But I'll leave it with these two...

Where would we be right now if Gore had won over Bush?

What do those staunch Bush supporters think of him now?

Curious

2008-12-10T14:38:00.002-06:00

So how do we explain this...

Saturday night. JR sends out an invite with the group plans of the evening. Dinner at a place I refuse to go back to because nobody would take my order when I was there for a friend's going away party. Live music at a local coffee shop and late viewing of Four Christmases.

Skipped dinner for obvious reasons.

Luckily - there was very little time spent at the coffee shop. The music was wrist-slit worthy depressive.

The movie was fun. So here's where the behavior needs interpretation. JR bought a gianormous bucket of popcorn for the group. He was sitting two people away from me and when I sat down, he asked if I wanted some popcorn. I said sure.

And he throws a handful of popcorn at me.

"Need more?" and throws another.

"More?" and throws another.

He finally stops and passes the bucket. The two girls seated between us look dumbfounded.

Part-way into the movie - I feel popcorn come flying at me. The two girls are again dumbfounded and the one closest to me seems almost pissy as she wipes popcorn off her lap, as JR and I look at each other - he with eyebrows raised gesturing the bucket to me, me as I nod.

The other fun yet obnoxious moment was during a scene in the movie. Vaughn's character's mother tells one of the kids not to eat a certain brownie because those are grandma's special brownies. I immediately laugh while it takes the rest of the group a minute to catch on. After they do and laugh, JR quietly shouts out over the two girls between us, "Champagne! Have special brownies ever been part of your kitchen experiments?"

"In the past...perhaps..."

And the oddest behavior of all happened at the end of both Friday and Saturday nights. When we parted ways, he blew a kiss at me. Friday night - he leaves while I'm slow dancing with his best friend. He looks back at us through a window and blows a kiss at me. Saturday, JR, one of the little girls and I are walking towards our cars. I don't know the dynamic with this little girl and him so I don't hang, opting instead to just go straight to my car. Just before I get into the car, I look up and he blows a kiss at me while saying he'll see me soon.

And the look on the little girl's face next to him was PRICELESS!!!

It's All About the Good Mojo...

2008-12-07T15:47:00.003-06:00

and let me tell you, I had some ROCKIN' mojo on Friday night!!!

I got a text from JR that they were all out at this taco joint, then heading around the corner to a martini bar where a friend of ours was playing. I told him that I might meet up with him later. Just before 10pm, I get a text saying, "Get here!"

Naturally, I ask if that was specifically for me or for the entourage. He said it was to me.

Let me take just this brief moment to tell you how FREEING it is to no longer have a crush on him and be successfully back at just friends!!! I think mainly now because he still gives me these looks. His face still lights up when he sees me. But now...now I'm not misinterpreting it.

M said told me the other day how deliciously cruel it would be if now that I'm not into him anymore, he became into me. I agree. It would also be oddly ironic.

So first - let's give a nod to my amazing fashion of the evening. Tim Gunn would have been proud. I was looking very tall and thin with fantastic make-up and a seriously fierce good hair day. The outfit, from the bottom up: tall black boots, dark skinny jeans that are cut just perfect, black belt, chunky green necklace and a slinky top with a cool geometric print and 3/4 length sleeves. Just enough cleavage, but not so much as to offend any women who see.

And the cool twist about this top??? It's actually a dress!!! Since it's a slinky material, it was easy to comfortly tuck in without bulges or lines. I looked AMAZING!!!

As I walk up to the bar, I can feel it. I just KNOW it's going to be the perfect evening. And it was. I seriously couldn't have planned it better if I tried. I walk in and JR's group is at the couches right at the entrance. His face lights up and I lean over for my best British "Ello love" in the ear and kiss on the cheek, slide off the coat and lay it over the back of the couch. He invites me for a drink and to sit. Just as I sit, one of the other guys in the group's face lights up and he stands to hug me as I rush over. As I turn back around to sit, I see a third guy in the group. His face lights up and he gives me a huge hug, kiss on the cheek and positively GUSHES about my hair. (I haven't seen these guys since the summer and my uber-short hair has grown more into a bob) There was definitley an oddity to it because this guy and I barely ever spoke the few times we ever saw each other. Who knows?

JR and I discuss food for a bit. Or moreso, I tell him the new Bon Appetit is in and I have to make what's on the cover. He says that after my last meal, he's more than happy to be my guinea pig any time I'd like.

And sprinkled through the entire evening were people not of the group running up to say hi and give me huge hugs. This is something that definitely did not go unnoticed by JR or one of the other guys from the group.

And I loved it!!!

Now the majority of the evening? The majority of the evening was spent on the dance floor with JR's best friend. I'm telling you, serious calories were burned in this marathon dance session!!! And the friend raved about what an amazing dancer I was all night. Heck, even JR texted the next morning about how well we danced together.

Through the evening, the group died off a few at a time. JR was the last to leave around 12:30/1am leaving just the friend that I danced with and myself. The friend was actually very sweet. When he and I left, he grabbed my coat and helped me put it on. He then asked where I was parked and said he wasn't going to allow me to walk by myself.

When we got to my car, he said it was the "witching hour." I told him I would be fine, that I only lived a few blocks away. But still we talked. And talked and talked and talked.

And it was really fucking cold outside, but somehow I didn't competely notice. Next thing we know an hour had passed. I told him it was probably safe to drive home now and asked if stalling for time to let the majority of drunks escape was why we'd been talking that long. He said yes. I told him that many nights I go out there's this one pub that I'll go to because the staff will let me hang until the majority of people are off the streets.

It's good to know people.

So that was the night. Just one of those amazing moments where everything just clicks and you're "on." They don't happen often, so try to notice and really absorb it in when they do! I know I did.

Rock Star

2008-12-02T08:36:00.003-06:00

I'm pleased to announce that I've become a kitchen rock star!!! I don't know exactly when or how it happened...but it's totally happened.

JR loved dinner. Exact word was "amazing" actually. The vinagrette and mousse where experiments. And luckily didn't go awry!!!

In truth - I may never purchase vinagrette again it was so easy to make and significantly tastier than purchased processed crap. I seriously couldn't get over how damned good this salad was.

The big laugh of the night came while I was grilling the steak. I told him I didn't know how to discern the different levels of doneness in the steak so he was just going to take whatever I stuck in front of him and like it. He said he usually did and told me that was the line of the evening.

I found out as we ate that without even knowing, I hit on two of his favorite things - salad and pumpkin. I don't think I could have planned a better menu. I'd told him that I was originally going to go with something more "interesting" but that I was the foodie of this duo, not him. He laughed and said that he'd appreciate anything that was put in front of him. I tend to list my menus of what I'm making on my facebook status and he said that sometimes, he doesn't even know what I'm talking about but is impressed that I'm making it. And he said that he'd be more than happy to be my guinea pig on whatever recipes I choose. He made it abundantly clear how much he enjoyed the meal and how impressed he was.

And even better than rocking out an awesome damn dinner??? Learning that I am completely and fully over the crush and can successfully go back to being just friends!!!

Confirmed...

2008-12-01T13:14:00.002-06:00

So dinner this evening has been confirmed. He's coming and still says he's looking forward to it. I went with a simple with a twist menu. He just lost his cat and I thought comfort food would be in order.

And anyways...I'm the foodie of this pair, not him.

But I am still tossing out a couple of things I've never made before.

So the menu is: grilled steak. mixed greens w/pear, blue cheese, walnuts and homemade vinegrette. Garlic mashed potatoes. And dessert is a pumpkin mousse. I've never made or even had pumpkin mousse before but the idea just came into my head yesterday morning. I googled for a recipe and found a super easy one by Dave Leiberman on the Food Network website.

All I can say is that I think I said it best the other night - I've gone from severly domestically challenged to gourmet cook.

It ain't bad!

In Case You Were Wondering...

2008-11-25T19:36:00.002-06:00

So in case you were wondering, I believe it to be so that I could very well have gone a little on the nuts side...

Or I have truly decided that it's time to be less single these days.

I have proof.

I have signed up for online dating. I've done this in the past and it has NEVER worked. Ultimately, you're just meeting the same losers as you do in person, except that you pay for it. In person, the loser buys me drinks and I don't pay a dime. And it's already not been that great. A few of the people that I've exchanged emails with have suddenly and mysteriously dissappeared. Profile hidden. Blah, blah. Granted, these two weren't men that I was really all that truly interested in, but still. And true to my real life, the couple that I am interested in I'm not hearing from. I need to remember the SatC mantra...he's just not that into you and let it go.

But still...sometimes, ya just got to wonder...

A former fling that is currently with girlfriend tried to get me to sleep with him and I almost did. Luckily, my resolve held and I sent him on his way. But that kiss. Oooohhh that kiss...I'm talking toe curling kiss. But I held firm.

That isn't really proof of loosing it though is it???

But this is...

JR is coming over for dinner and a movie on Monday. As in, he's bringing the wine, I'm COOKING dinner. For him. On Monday. I gave him my preliminary menu idea and he said it sounded good and he was looking forward to it.

The only explanation I have is the wine. I blame the wine.

Never wine and online chat. No good can come of it.

A few weeks ago, JR suggested that we get together the next week. And every week after that was "next week." So last night when he said "next week," I asked if this was like all of the other "next weeks" in which case I was no longer interested. "Next week" became "Monday."

And he says he's looking forward to it.

The real question is...am I?

Grow a Pair

2008-11-18T21:40:00.002-06:00

I had this friend. A really great guy who always pics these drama girls. We met through a prior drama girl. I actually met the two of them on the same night. She was a really nice girl who was a little (or a LOT) on the nutso side. He called me daily asking me what to do. Seriously. We'd talk for hours about what he should do because this girl acted like a nutter.

So they break up. And next thing I know, he's gone and gotten himself MARRIED!! The girl befriended me a couple of days before his birthday party which was a few months after they got married. She didn't like that he worked at a nightclub but for the most part seemed sane.

Until one day she decides to up and make him move across the country. And he does it because he wants to make her happy. Even though he was everything but. A few months into the marriage, they break up. He writes a blog entry about the absolute psychosis that she was. Friends gather together to hatch an escape plan for him to return home because he has literally nothing. She gets pissed. He caves, apologizes, takes her back and dumps his blog and hundreds of friends and readers.

Fast forward a couple of months. I FINALLY find my friend again on Facebook. She gets pissed that I didn't add her as a friend too. I tell him to chill her out and he says he can't. OK..this guy is huge. Used to do pro cage fighting. Actually has a degree which he now uses in psych. And can't calm his wife down because she's "miffed" that I didn't add her as a friend.

Why would I? We're not friends. We had drinks a few times. Would I invite her to anything? No.

Anyways, all hell breaks loose yet again. Insane jealousy and she starts cheating on her husband (my friend) with her ex-boyfriend. He dumps her. Writes nasty, NASTY things on her wall and photos. Even posts a photo of all of her stuff in front of her house with a sign that says this belongs to my cheating wife and her name.

He asks me if I'll write her and tell her what a good guy he is and how crazy everything is. I ask him if he wants to proof it first and he says no. I didn't send anything because I knew it was a bad idea. But then he actually follows up. So I go ahead and write a really scathing email. We all know that I know better than to go poking at crazy, but I do anyway. And I tell her all the things I'd been thinking about their relationship but held back on in the name of "friend."

Well the dude then gets pissed at me! She writes back that I can have him now, but if he deemed me appropriate to date, he would have while he was here. I tell her that I didn't believe the extreme jealousy but she's proven it now and there was never anything more than friendship between dude and I. She says of course, "silly" because he thought I was the most unattractive and desperate of them all. She then follows up with an email that he sent her that he saw the message, had nothing to do with it and that I went completely overboard.

Of course he said that, he's afraid of his fucking wife. Which is ironic seeing as how during the day he works with battered women and yet at home is battered by his wife.

So yo buddy!!! Fucking grow a pair!!! Someone told your jackass wife what should have been done a long time ago and by you!!! Don't ask for me to stick up for you on your playground and then pretend you had nothing to do with it. It would have never happened if it weren't for you. I'd have been completely fulfilled in my life having never talked to that psycho bitch again.

Not Sure...

2008-11-14T07:39:00.002-06:00

So I'm not sure when or how this happened...but I seem to have become a crier. Not all the time, but significantly more so than in the past. I used to never, ever cry. Ever. It just wasn't done in my household.

No really. I think when my grandmother passed away a few years ago was the first time I'd seen my mother cry in YEARS. I can count on both hands, if not just one, how many times I've ever seen my mother cry.

But now I find myself crying at movies. Commercials. Whatev. I guess I've become girly. Or as my friend M said to me one day when we were discussing it, it's Gone With the Wind! "Why Scarlett! Well you've grown a woman's heart!"

The other day I was at the funeral for a distant relative. I didn't know them all that well and mainly just went as moral support for Mom and to run away from my life here for a day. I was fine until I saw others just bawling their eyes out. I ended up breaking too. One of the guys looks at me and asks if I'm OK. I say yes and then find myself quoting Truvy from Steel Magnolias...

"I'm a sympathetic cryer. Nobody cries alone in my presence."

And the thing is, I think it's true...

Prop 8

2008-11-07T09:27:00.002-06:00

California, what the fuck is wrong with you??? Obviously when we've nick-named the state "The Land of Fruits and Nuts" it was more of a right wing nut than a fruit.

Seriously? Banning gay marriage? Why?

No really...why!

What harm does it do to have two people who are in love and want to stand in front of friends and family and proclaim that they want to spend the rest of their lives with each other regardless of gender?

Does it somehow negate the love that you hold for your hetero spouse? No.

Does it even somehow alter your life in any way? Uh...again...no.

And the fact that most couples who've been married as little as 10 years usually garners praise and amazment speaks volumes to what hetero marriage has become in this country to begin with.

So again, I ask, where is the harm in allowing gay marriage? What does it do to you? Or does it just harm your fragile, testosterone induced, simple-minded ego to know that the hot Janine who left you all those years ago left you for Simone.

And I use the male perspective for that example because I don't know a single girl out there who hasn't gone out with or at least had a crush on a man who turned out to be gay. Except we're cool with it.

When Condescending Bitches Attack...

2008-11-06T22:18:00.002-06:00

So I'm talking to my best friend on her commute into work - as we do most mornings. You already know that yesterday morning, I was working on a pretty good roll of professional bullying and velvet hammered bitch slaps.

The roll continued.

It wouldn't have, but this neurotic client went off on me in email for absolutely no reason. Seriously. None, whatsoever. This is how the background contact leading up to yesterday played out - she emailed asking for information. I reply within 24 hours that we're putting together new dining packages that I'll send to her once finished but in the meantime I'd like to set a time to talk with her and get more details about her dinner. No response. Email a week later to no response. A couple of weeks after that, follow up again. She finally bothers to respond that if she needs more information, she'll let me know. But you know the problem with that? She doesn't have any information to begin with!!! So I reply asking if she's already familiar with us, I can set a time for a tour and a tasting. No response. A couple of weeks after that I send the new menus. No response. So yesterday, I send yet ANOTHER fucking follow up.

And mind you - these are easy, open sorts of follow ups. Of the "haven't heard from you in a while and just checking in to see if you're still considering us. Please let me know either way." Totally no big whoop at all.

But this bitch went off on me by email. That I have heard from her then in all caps tells me that I'm too pushy and don't contact me again.

OK...so for those that lost track. I sent her 5 emails over the course of 2 months. Most sales professionals would call that the opposite of pushy. Many of the sales guys I know would call that down-right lazy. But being in the saucy, empowered mood I was in yesterday...I totally had to contact again. I said that I was sorry she felt that way. It was by no means my intention to eeeever come off as pushy or overbearing. It's my job to make sure nobody slips through the cracks due to neglect. Usually my clients appreciate that they are thought of because unfortunately there are those in the industry that don't pay attention or provide the utmost in customer service. But I would take her words into consideration in my future client relations and pass along her lack of interested.

Essentially, if you don't know me, you'd think it a polite plea and apology. However...

If you do know me, you'd reply like my best friend this morning. "You condescending bitch!!! LOL But I know you. They won't know it."

Then we discussed my less thinly veiled condescention in the reply that I ended up sending to my other issue of yesterday. (discussed in the last post.)

The most condescention came when I told him he wasn't going to see growth in this quarter. If he wanted growth over the next 3 months as he asked, he should have started working on it at least 6 months ago. I haven't heard back. And I'm not surprised. All I know is that if there isn't a check in my hands by the end of the week.

Shit - that's tomorrow isn't it???

Anyway. If I don't have a check by this week, then on Monday I'm going to tell him that the equivalent of what is currently going on is - I've ordered, recieved and consumed my dinner. When the bill comes I say, Oh no...I need to see my dinner first. I'm more than willing to pay you because I know dinner will be good and worth it but I haven't had it yet.

We'll see how it works out. I may have to reconsider how I work out client payment plans.

On AWESOMENESS!!!

2008-11-05T11:11:00.002-06:00

First off

GOBAMA BAY-BEE!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

Now on to a personal awesomeness moment from last night/this morning. The Twirpette's company is late on their payment. When I again try to get payment from them, I get this email from the GM asking questions that basically is trying to discredit my abilities. And I gave it back to him in a beautifully crafted, critical email. It felt good to just put it out there and really stick up for myself in such a professional and graceful manner.

I gave a phone interview yesterday to an event planning student in California. I told her that one of the things that I'm getting better at, but still consciously have to work on is believing and sticking up for the value of my abilities and expertise. So much time and hard work has been put into developing these skills and I'm damned good. There is no more free advice to companies - even if they are run by friends.

BTW - the emails have continued while I've been typing this. He sent me the equivalent to the 2yo rant he's been making since we first started talking. But when you try to talk to him, he blows a gasket and walks away. Then he says that he's willing to pay me, but he needs something in return. He's about to get an email from me saying that he's already received something for the invoice he has and until I see a payment, he's not getting anything else because my expertise and research is valuable.

It feels good being so politely hardcore!!! :-D

The Twirpette Strikes Again

2008-11-04T12:03:00.002-06:00

Seriously!?!?! How muther fucking stupid do you have to be??? Her attention to detail is ZERO. Even when you lay it all out to her in so much detail a monkey could take care of it. It's goddamned parties for chissake. Not space flight.

This client is becomming a larger pain in the ass than my former employers. And that's pretty much saying nothing good for them.

I swear, at this point, I'm surprised these people actually are able to make it through the day without doing harm to themselves.

On Irony

2008-11-01T23:05:00.002-05:00

So in a feat of incredible irony, just as the internet stress quizzes are essentially saying that any one little thing could be the proverbial straw...I get into a wreck.

But it wasn't the proverbial straw in that I didn't go off in the wild red-headed fit on the stupid fucking bitch like I really, REALLY wanted to.

I barely spoke to her. I barely looked at her. I knew if I did, no good would come of it.

I was waiting on a couple of pedestrians so I could turn right on my green light when I just got pounded. I'm telling you, the woman hit me pretty hard. Or at least it felt it. There was the loud boom. The sunglasses were knocked off my head as the shoes were knocked off my feet. The two pedestrians were beyond shocked. I look up to see the woman looking at her car. As I open my door, she asks if I'm ok. I don't speak. I look at my car as she says it looks like it's only paint. I can tell there's more. She keeps asking if I'm OK as I continue to not speak.

As I said before, no good would come of it.

Matter of fact, the few words I said to her were, "Well...let's get out of every one's way and exchange information." When she asked again if I was OK, I eventually said, "No...I don't think so."

I didn't get enough info from her because I just wasn't thinking straight at all. Didn't call the police to file a report. Didn't track down the witnesses. Then again, it's not like any of the fuckers that saw even bothered to stay either.

God damned fucktards. When you see an accident - it's your responsibility to stop and bear witness.

Anyways - I luckily have an insurance agent fabulous enough that I have her cell phone number and honestly didn't mind that I briefly interrupted the family dinner. She even gave me some advice "off the record" that went ahead and sent me to the doctor just to document that I was in fact having pain immediately following the accident.

And let me tell you, that trip was kinda funny. Actually, the staff at the doc-in-the-box I went to were unbelievably nice. The nurse asked random questions then asks, "Do you have a family history of diabetes, stroke, heart disease, high blood pressure or cancer?"

"Yes."

"To which?"

"All of the above."

"Wow! They didn't really want to give you much of a chance did they?"

"Nope! And it's a regular fear that I live with."

Luckily, there doesn't seem to be too much wrong with me. Doc said everything looked fine and in good working order. An x-ray was what all the books recommend in my situation, but that he wasn't going to find anything. I went with the unsolicited advice. Essentially the pain was just muscle spasms and would probably got worse before they got better. But the red mark from the seat belt (that I didn't know I had) would be gone in a day or so. He gave me prescriptions for some hard-core drugs and sent me on my way.

Ya know...I almost lost it in the office. Mainly because on the drive out (the closest clinic being 20 minutes away) I got myself all worked up about how I'm alone. I've just been in a car wreck and the only people I have to call are my parents.

I've been watching too many fucking chic flicks recently.

I was at a luncheon the other day and at the end a few of us were discussing how being single isn't the worst thing in the world. I said to the ladies that it's fabulous 90% of the time. The guest speaker (smoking hot by the way) asked what was wrong with the other 10%. I just said we didn't know each other well enough for me to answer that but let's face it, I was totally thinking sex.

But this also falls into that 10%. As much as I don't like admitting it to myself much less typing it out for the world...I want to have that person...that man...that I can go to when nothing else goes right and he just puts his strong arms around me and says it's going to be ok. That I'm going to be ok. But instead it's just me telling myself that I'll be ok because I've created an island for myself.

Except I'm tired of doing it all myself.

On the Twirpette

2008-11-01T14:13:00.002-05:00

In an effort to reduce said stress mentioned in the earlier post, I'm going to try "writing it out."

So this post will be directed to "The Twirpette."

My mom defines a twirpette as one the little girl that is so unbelievably stupid. Just dumber than a box of chalk but so nice that you can't really hate her. And she's probably so stupid that she doesn't even know how stupid she is.

And so is the little girl that shall hence forth and forever more be known as "The Twirpette." I want to hate this girl. I want to be mad at her for how she's ended up in her position. I want to be mad at her ignorance.

But I can't.

I can't because it's not her fault. And it is sooooo clearly not her fault. She is the proverbial right place at the right time to end up in her position. A position that technically should be a management position save for the fact that she has absolutely ZERO experience. And about the same amount of training. Her boss doesn't have the proper experience much less patience to train her and the parent director is too wrapped up in the other stores to properly train her as well. Shit - the director can't even be bothered to answer my emails unless I turn in a "threat."

You know - the "are you getting my emails because I never received a response." With the implied "the only other viable reason is that you're IGNORING me."

But the truth is, if this client keeps consistently acting as they have, I'm going to have to fire them before I've even been able to really do anything. The items that I've proposed that they really, REALLY need to do to be successful are getting ignored. Predominantly - let me train the Twirpette. She has no eye for detail. At all. Prime example - she sent out new collateral packets and said that she checked everything for spelling errors. I open up the packet to see THREE glaring errors on the first page. No concern for aesthetics. But she doesn't know. And nobody is telling her either. I mean - you really have to lay everything out in massive detail and explain each single detail to get things through her head. It's unfortunate.

I tried to get this client worked into a regular luncheon I attend. The Twirpette and I told everyone we would hold the next luncheon. That should have happened a month ago but the Twirpette dropped the ball. She's afraid of chef so just never bothered to do it. They gave it to me under the guise of waiting for the new fall menu but bottom line - I put my name on something they dropped the ball on and nothing has been done to rectify the situation. I even sent a polite, professional yet stern email saying as much. No response.

Part of my contract was putting together their email marketing blasts. They gave that duty to the Twirpette because she's cheaper. Although, this may be a good thing since I'm already having to chase checks on my first invoice which they are now past due on.

Bottom line, I think they are trying to take advantage of me. They aren't communicating with me when I have said point blank that the lack of communication is unacceptable. Then again, that was one of the many emails that have been ignored. They've told me they wanted to grow an do better. The GM saw bringing me in as the beginning of a new era for their events department. You should have heard how he introduced me to the staff at the last tasting. You'd think I was like the fucking second coming!

But I'm starting to think it's all smoke up my ass because Lord knows they're a pain in my ass!!!

Yowza

2008-11-01T09:25:00.002-05:00

So...uh...yeah...

Let's have a conversation about stress. Apparently...I am mother-fucking stressed the fuck out.

And yet, I don't feel it. Not that badly anyway. Not like I have obviously felt it in the past.

True, I just started my own business. And I've been playing with "creative financing" ever since. I'm behind on rent, but my landlord doesn't care. They're fully supportive of my starting my own business and want it to be successful. Everyone I talk to is supportive of what I'm doing. Businesses I've approached are interested. All in all, it's a positive thing - save the fear of when someone actually says no. And that's causing procrastination which is in turn setting when money will roll in back.

I miss actual planning. This administrative bullshit sucks!

I've picked up on working out and actually feel pretty good. Exercise is something I now crave and when I don't work out in the morning, the rest of the day just doesn't feel right.

But the stress that I'm not either cognitively feeling or am just ignoring is revealing itself in my body. My hair is thinning. Now whenever I've been really stressed out, I've been just CERTAIN that I was losing hair but my friends would tell me the only thing I was losing was "it." But I've been certain this time around that my hair is thinner and my hairdresser confirmed it at my last haircut. When I mentioned that every time I'm stressed I think I'm going bald, she said that she noticed that my hair felt considerably thinner than usual. Good thing is that at least I've always had a fuckton of hair, so it's not noticeable to anyone else but me. My periods have gone from light to practically non-existent. Pregnancy thankfully isn't much of a possibility - last time there was any "activity" was September, with two types of birth control and he didn't "finish".)

I just took one of those interactive stress measure tests. At the end, the bar lights up to the level of stress you're at. It didn't stop until I got to the very end. High stress. Like, take action now before you kill yourself from the cortisol type of stress. Except now, I'm stressing about stress. Doesn't seem like that's going to do me much good.

I could pick up on the exercise and yoga aspects. But then that puts me at exercising twice a day - not that big of a deal per se, but just time consuming. I could light more fire under my ass about the business, which I should be doing anyway. I've got good, qualified leads. But I've also got problems with a current client who seems to be lazy in the paying my ass department.

Other suggestions were journaling. But then this space will become just another boring "I ate ice cream" blog. Then again, I've got 4 readers and what should have been all sorts of fun drunken escapades has become random political rants so would just another "day to day" blah, blah, blah really be that big of a deal.

I guess we'll just see as it comes.

Random Opinion Poll

2008-10-28T18:12:00.001-05:00

I have a stupid little story that I think is funny. I'm not sure anyone else will and it's too embarrasing to post so...

Let me know if you're interested in hearing it!

Ego Blow

2008-10-27T10:34:00.002-05:00

So the news I heard this morning is a blow to even the most secure girl's ego.

The world's fattest man got married.

He's been in bed for 6 years.

Let me repeat that again so it can really sink in.

The world's fattest man. Who hasn't been able to get out of bed for SIX years. Is married.

And it's not like they knew each other before. No. She met him when he was at his FATTEST. Over 1200 pounds!!! Because she's helped him loose 500!!!

That's 5 fucking super-models!!!

And I can't even find a guy - right one or not - to even take me to dinner.

So apparently as a woman who: is attractive by most standards, works out, eats well, dresses well, has turned into a pretty good cook, runs a business and is fairly all around well balanced...Nothing.

But a man so large he can't leave the house, much less the bed? Love and marriage.

Because it has to be real love - it's not like you could find a penis underneath all that for amazing sex.

I ran into my chiropractor Saturday night at Target. I was doing the weekly shop; he was picking up a couple of things for him and his new girlfriend to take to some party. First words out of his mouth when he saw me, "What the hell are you doing here on a Saturday night? Do we need to get you a life?"

"Apparently so."

"Do you have a date later?"

"Nope."

"Yeah...we need to find you a man."

At least the nice thing from the backhanded slap was that he didn't completely direct it at me. We haven't seen each other in a few months and he told me that I looked the best I've ever looked (which is saying something since he's known me for 15 years) and asked what the hell was wrong with the men around me. Still...the sting that I was one of the few people in a usually busy Super Target at 7pm on Saturday night didn't go unnoticed.

On the Thought of "Fancy"

2008-10-22T21:31:00.002-05:00

It's come up on my television a few times this week, so I've decided to talk about it.

The idea of "fancy" as a descriptor of lifestyle. That "fancy" is derogatory.

The first time I hear it this week it really, REALLY set me off. Then again, it could have been who said it and about whom. Elizabeth Hasselbeck on the View mentions Barack Obama and his use of "fancy" words. She even admitted that she used that very specific terminology when Barbara Walters tried to make her change it.

I was born in a town so small you'd miss it if you blinked. Same goes for the first house my parents bought. And...it was literally on the "other" side of the tracks. I spent the majority of my childhood in another small town whose name could be thought of to have racist connotations when really all it was was white trash. Alcohol and drugs have run rampant through my family. Many of them have been to rehab. Most of the people in my high school were so stupid that a 3.4 still put me in the top portions of my class. Dad is a maintenance mechanic and Mom is a secretary.

And I have a 6 figure education.

So I think of anyone, I can full-on bitch about how I HATE how the McCain campaign are disparagging sophistication and being educated and being elite. McCain was an officer, from a family of officers. Doesn't get more elite than that. At one point in time that type would have never spoken to my father, an enlisted. And yet now. NOW. They're calling the small town folk the "real America" or the lady that said that there was Virginia and then the "real Virginia." Somehow implying that some of us are living in the "fake America." Or because some of us choose better for ourselves and to work our ass off to remove ourselves from closed-minded, small town simpletons that are doomed to a life of trade labor and blue collar work, we are now "fancy." I'm sure if some of my family were smart enough to use it as a derogatory remark, they already would have. But part of their beauty is that they're too stupid to realize they're stupid.

I just hate the way less educated people use the term "fancy."

The other two times were in fictional TV but were just as derogatory in their use. In "Army Wives," Roland's mother is criticizing his not using his "fancy" education to support his family. There is nothing "fancy" about education. It's something everyone should have. I'm sure there are simpletons out there that would consider mine "fancy." But what it really is is a shitload of work and struggle to make something better of myself.

The third time - and what you could say was tonight's trigger - was on "Lipstick Jungle." Nico's father tells her to get back to her "fancy life." Here's a woman (fictional, yeah, yeah, yeah, but not improbable) that worked her way up from a simple background in Queen's to become Editor-in-Chief of a magazine. And her dad is pissed because she doesn't want to help enable her slacker brother so he tells her to get back to her "fancy" life.

Not that there's anything wrong with being OK with simple, small town or blue collar. But I am sick and tired of hearing from one of the two men and his camp aspiring to the number 1 position in the country, that essentially, being aspirational yourself makes you un-American, un-patriotic and apparently just an all-around bad person that doesn't work hard or have good values.

So what am I going to do with my "fancy" life? Well, tomorrow I'm on the premiere guest list for a fashion show and cocktail party. No waiting in line. Just walk up to the door and go on through.

Put that in your fucking pipe and smoke it!

Excited!!!

2008-10-22T05:58:00.002-05:00

WooooHooooo!!!!

I just want to say, for the record, that I think I'm actually over JR! I just read an email from him wanting to get together next week and while it's something that I'm actually a little excited to do...I'm MORE excited to learn that the excitement is from knowing that I again hold the cards. No more gianormous crush. I finally feel like I have some control again.

You see, I haven't actually had voice on voice contact with him since "the apology." There have been some random emails and I'm still on the "group activity" list, but that's all the contact there's been. And every time I see photos from these "activities" that I haven't been attending, I feel relief that I haven't gone. After all, who the hell wants to join in with a group of people when you're not comfortable. (Mind you I don't like going out in large groups to begin with, but I digress.) So I haven't heard his voice since August and we haven't seen each other since July.

(I'll quickly admit - I broke down and called a couple of weeks ago, but it was an extreme situation for a different post. I also came to the realization a while back that I hate him. There are some places we're fundamentally not compatable and yet, I also miss being friends with him.)

Back to the post point. How did we go from rare randomness to invitation to get together next week?

Last week, I inferred from JR's page that someone broke into his car and he chased the person through downtown and caught him. I'm the member of this forum that has a thread for pictures of "incidents" in downtown and asked if anyone got a picture. Sure enough, someone had! So I sent the email to JR asking if it was the dude and it was! He was shocked and amazed and asked how I got the photo. I told him and he jokingly bitched about how through his building, he's the only person NOT mentioned in the apprehension on the dude. I told him that I didn't mention his name to protect his privacy, but that I'd be more than happy to if it would make him feel better. He thanks me and says he wants to get together next week. And while there was the ever so slight twinge of "WooHoo - he wants to see me" there was an even bigger "WoooooHoooooo I'm finally over the crush!!!"

I have finally put enough distance between us that I think I can now be "just friends."

Realization

2008-10-05T21:53:00.002-05:00

It just hit me. The amazing difference between the place and people I worked with last night compared to previous employers. The event was less than splendid. When an event goes awry, I always looks through the steps to see where things went wrong and how it can be prevented in the future.

Well...last night went horribly awry. And I knew it was going to go in a bad way when I first got the phone call to book it. And being in charge, you have to be ready to assume responsibility and take the fall. And I'm damn near always ready to take that hit.

But last night was different. The restaurant I was working for was concerned about me. What I thought of their performance. That I was OK and would still bring in more business in the future. While the entire time I was afraid that this first time I do something there was completely OPPOSITE of what I normally do and HATED it because it wasn't an accurate representation of how I usually work. The franchise owner, store owner and GM all said it wasn't my fault. The waiters were all concerned that their performance would reflect poorly on me when in fact the guest of honor said it was the most courteous staff he'd ever experience. Hell, the executive chef took blame in the kitchen and even one of the waiters that wasn't working the party took blame off of me. Thinking back on it, nobody let me take the bullet for this one.

I also found out that there's rumor of one of my other clients calling me their new "It Girl" and wanting me to headquarters my company out of their restaurant.

It is such an unbelievable 180 from employers of the past that I don't know what to do with myself. But it sure feels good!!!!!

Let's Get Political

2008-10-05T19:51:00.004-05:00

First off - let me just say...

Man I've been mouthy about politics this year!!! Please believe me when I say that I neeeever discuss politics because most people don't know how to have an open discussion without taking things personally or accusing your beliefs, whatever they are, of stupidity. Bottom line, we all have the right to our own opinion, no matter had smart or stupid it is.

That being said.

I can't help but be offended at the VP choice of Sarah Palin for a myriad of reasons. I'm offended that there is even the notion that I vote by vagina. Especially considering her beliefs aren't necessarily all that helpful to women. In an interview she said that she would counsel a woman impregnated through incest to have the child. Have the child that is a result of incest or rape? Without any regard to the psychological ramifications to both the mother and child if it was in fact born.

I'm offended that she makes 6 figures, chose those oh-so-popular, expensive glasses of hers through an in-home shopping spree (as in, many frames were brought to her home then this pair ended up custom made) and still has the nerve to say she's an "Average American."

Speaking of...her cutesy, folksy, winking debate performance. I firmly believe it set women's lib back at least 30 years. You're running for the 2nd highest office in the country and you're resorting to being "cute" and "folksy?" What happened to being smart and well spoken? I want the people in office, representing me and my country to the world to be more intelligent and better spoken than I. This "awe shucks" performance makes all women look like idiots. I was coach of my debate team in high school and let me tell you, our sponsor and my judges would have eaten me for lunch if I'd ever winked during a debate.

I don't want a leader that middle America can relate to. With all due respect, most of them are too stupid, simple and closed minded for their own good. I read and heard two great quotes today...

First - what's so wrong about being elite? Special Forces in the armed services are considered the "elite" teams. Shouldn't their Commander in Chief hold that title as well. Nobody thinks it's bad when Michael Phelps is called an "elite athlete."

Second - The executives should represent middle America; they should not replicate middle America. 'Nuff said. And I couldn't agree more.

Overall, she doesn't adequately represent me. I do not relate to her. And I sure as hell not only don't relate to, but am offended by, the notion that small towns are "real America" and they are the only ones that care about their country. I'm an over-educated, over-analytical business owner. Live in a real city with a downtown and sky-scrapers. I've put together events larger than a lot of those "small towns" in this country and I care about the state of it just as much as anybody else. And how DARE anyone else imply otherwise!!!

Hey You!

2008-10-04T16:02:00.004-05:00

Yeah...I'm talking to you! You realize you've gone full retard right?

I tried to be cool about everything, but the longer this goes on, the more I realize you're a MORON and I'm so glad I don't work for you anymore.

That I had to threaten legal action just to get $65 is RIDICULOUS!!! And then...that you can't find my fucking mailing address!!! Uh...let's see...where could it be? Hmmmm...the resume and W2 you have on file for me for starters. And the invoices I sent you. And...uh...the same email string in which you asked me for my fucking address!!!!!

You belong in that backwards hick town. You two are made for each other. Palin has more attention to detail than you do.

Just a matter of time...

2008-10-02T09:13:00.004-05:00

It really just was a matter of time.

I knew that eventually I would see someone I knew in my morning walk/run. I just didn't know when. I know that there are quite a few people I know living in this neighborhood. And now, two mornings in a row, it has happened. I've seen and subsequently have had to talk with these people. While I'm all gross, no make-up, junky hair.

The good/bad news - both mornings it's been men. Men who've seen me naked.

Yesterday I expected - not that particular morning, but one morning. The man lives two doors down from me.

But this morning...not expected. Not expected at all. You know when you usually only see someone in a bar and how jarring it is to see them in the daylight? That's pretty much how it was. It really took me a minute to recognize him. I always new he lived in this area, just never knew where. Until now that is.

And then I ran on...

P.S.A.

2008-09-29T19:22:00.003-05:00

Just a little public service announcement for us all.

Earlier today I asked a best friend her opinion on the financial bailout. Essentially, I had a fun evil little twinge that is was the Republicans voting against their own on this thing. (I love it when the Republicans eat their own young.)

Anyways, I asked this best friend particularly because she is fairly high up in the treasury department of a major retailer. If anyone I know, love and trust will have real perspective on this, it's her.

Ah...yeah...ladies and gents. We're fucked. I'm just sayin'...

Actually, she didn't say too much different than Suzi Orman did on Oprah last week. But she did no help on stopping the fluttering of this entrepreneur's heart, that's for sure.

So here you have it. Big wigs have let greed and wealth and acquisitions blow up their businesses. And in the real world, when you jack it you need to pay the consequences. Except that these are major. MAJOR. financial institutions. These institutions affect everybody. I can almost guarantee that you've got something holding with one of these banks in the news. I do and I didn't expect it.

So the major banks tank. No more home loans. Business loans. Car loans. You credit cards cease to work. And that's just the beginning. Common practice for many companies is to take out short term loans for immediate expenses because they don't have the immediate funds. Expenses like...uh...payroll. So companies have to cut jobs.

So now we have banks failing, all loans cease to be and millions out of jobs. Across the board, not just in the financial sector. OK...so now, banks have shut down, all lines of credit are shut down and millions of people have lost their jobs. A.K.A. not spending money.

And as the song says...money makes the world go round.

And that's what happens. Foreign companies come in to buy it all up at pennies on the dollar doing horrible things to the strength of our dollar. And foreign outfits running our financial sector is going to help national security? Isn't dependence on foreign oil bad enough???

So of course, hearing everything in the news has me freaked. Mainly because I always had the idea in the back of my mind that if the business failed, I could just get a job.

But now...

Now I'm not so sure.

Split Second

2008-09-28T22:20:00.003-05:00

A couple of Mondays ago, I got a phone call. One of the guys I used to work with was having his going away party. He's moved to Arizona. I call one of the other guys on the way to the bar and he says he'll have my drink waiting for me when I get there. As I enter the bar, I see the friend getting my cocktail. At the other end of the bar is a judge I used to work with that I haven't seen since I left the dance biz. I cross the length of the bar to greet him.

I don't even notice him at the time...my ex is there as well.

Of course, I know he will be there. It's judging day from competition and he has to show up for that.

He actually looked genuinely surprised and happy to see me. He gives me a HUGE hug and says, "Hey frog!"

And for a split second, I missed those arms around me and that accent calling me frog.

But it was thankfully only the split second.

Random Thoughts

2008-09-28T17:15:00.003-05:00

I just read a little bit of an article in which a cattle family has seventeen children.

Yes folks, you read that correctly. S e v e n t e e n.

Most (all but 2) are adopted from foreign countries, etc.

But here's where my thought comes...

They're homeschooled.

Why is it, that people with many multiple children always homeschool???

Homeschool scares me. A woman that used to work for me had 7 biological children and homeschooled every last one of them. And let me tell you, they were all bat-shit crazy.
****************************************************

Another random thought that hit me today. Here I've been wanting to keep the blog to drunken exploits and not discuss work and the like. And I've been going out often enough but not blogging about it. Then it occurred to me - I can't partition my life like that. Especially now that I've started my own business and work from home, everything all bleeds into everything. It's all interlinked.

So you'll probably start seeing more of it in here as well...

Get Off It Already

2008-09-26T03:54:00.003-05:00

Seriously?!?!

OK. So McCain "doesn't have time" for a presidential debate, yet he's got all sorts of time to interview with the press. I just saw him say in essence that he's refusing to commit to showing up at the debate tonight yet STILL asking for a "town hall meeting" instead and whining that Obama won't commit to that.

Get off it already. It's OBVIOUSLY not working. Try another tack. Phil Gramm told you we were a country of whiners. Stop proving his point.

Suddenly, I think something a friend of mine always says. "Never go full retard."

Well...I think he's getting close.

Rant Alert!

2008-09-19T09:48:00.005-05:00

When I started this blog, I wanted it's main focus to be pure fluff. Random stories of drunken excursions. But with the state of this country as it is going and the super-charged nature of the current political race, I have to say something about it. Screaming at my television is no longer cathartic enough.

I've always felt like everyone had a voice and anyone, no matter how small, can make a difference. I no longer feel that way. I'm mean seriously...who the hell do all these fucktards think they are?

And which fucktards do you mean, Champagne?

Well...dear reader...right now, I think it's just about anyone in any sort of position of power.

I'm going to hit a couple of off points that I'm also raging pissed about and then move on to the meat of what I'd like to say.

First - Cindy McCain the other morning on Good Morning America. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! And hey...have I mentioned? FUCK YOU!

So why the sudden vitriol lashed on sweet Cindy? The McCains were on GMA and the topic of abortion came up. John has already wish-washed his way around it and the lovely ladies of Robin and Diane ask Cindy what her position was. She fucking blew off the question! Essentially, she said that with other issues like the war and economy nobody is paying attention or cares about Roe v. Wade and if it will get overturned right now.

Are you fucking kidding me!?!?! I do! It's one of my big voter points. But spoken just like someone of unlimited resources who is able to do whatever it is they wish.

And I have a question for John McCain as well...do you have dementia? To tell a morning group that the economy is strong and then tell another group 3 hours later that it is fragile. What happened in your little head during that three hours? Because you've been touting that the economy is strong for quite a while now. Then again, I've no reason to be surprised...you've been changing your positions for quite a while now to pander back to your own party. And the other day when you said to an interviewer, "When? Everybody says this but nobody knows where?" Well pumpkin, get your PR people to do better research for you. There are plenty of websites - shit, even Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert - that point out, with your own videos, your discrepancies.

(Speaking of Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert...how sad is it that the most even handed "reporting" is coming from a basic cable comedy, fake news show???"

And another note on your obvious selective amnesia - stop asking for fucking town hall meetings with Obama! Obviously he's not interested and you're wasting so much time bitching about it during every interview instead of focusing on your own facts and solutions.

Or maybe that's not proof of amnesia. Nope it's proof of INSANITY! After all, isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Yep! I believe it is.

And as long as I'm on a rant - Hey Elizabeth Hasslebeck! Just shut up! Just shut up!

Whew! So now that that is out of the way...

Greed.

I. am. so. unbelievably. disgusted. With all of these major companies going down and then the government without any sort of precedent just deciding who to bail out, willy nilly. I believe that the bailout tally now nears a TRILLION dollars. TRILLION!!! Of taxpayer money. Because everyone has to have more, bigger, better.

The other day I attended a luncheon at a country club. We got lost among the houses and one of the ladies with me said how she wanted to live in something like that one day. I, however, wanted to vomit at the ostentatious display of wealth. Who the hell really needs that much space?

This morning, the palatial estates to the CEOs of Lehman Brothers and Bear Stern (that they're still in) were shown while underlings from the companies lost their entire retirement funds and are struggling. I mean seriously? Who the hell needs that much???

But because of this cultural need to get more, have more, bigger, better, blah, blah, blah whether they have the money or not, we're in this financial cluster-fuck. And the government seems to have no problem doling out the billions in handouts.

Oh wait...of course they don't. Their administration is about to get the fuck out of town!

So where is my point? Well...I don't know that I have one, but I do know that all of this does in fact effect me directly. How?

Well...as a girl that has always lived simply. I've lived in the same tiny studio apartment for 8 years. While I haven't always lived within my means, I've always been near them. But I've never been able to accumulate any sort of wealth. I haven't racked up years upon years of credit cards and the debt associated with them. Just carving a tiny way through the world.

Recently, I started my own business. (side note - my business is something that is useful and utilized in any economy.) I have many, MANY years of experience and no with time can be very successful. However, because of the lack of accumulation of wealth and credit coupled with the freak out on the economy, I can't get credit to fund myself while I'm doing all of this.

So even in G.Dub's speech this morning about helping the financial systems for those with the "entrepreneurial spirit" to grow their business and create new jobs, it's all just fucking lip service as far as I'm concerned.

I guess really I'm just disgusted that the government is throwing billions of our tax dollars into businesses failed due to the unquenchable thirst to have more and I can't even get just a little to make ends meet until business picks up.

Oy Vey!

2008-09-18T19:49:00.004-05:00

So that last post - where I wasn't going to respond to the crazy? I ended up having to respond.

The whole stupid situation became the friendship equivalent to the episode of SatC when Miranda says, "The gods are punishing me for having casual sex."

Best friend M calls me. She ran into the girl from the previous post and said girl asked her for my phone number. That she didn't want to put M in the middle but...

I'll spare you all the details. Suffice it to say, there's been quite a bit of miscommunication between her memories and what really happened. As well as what I off-handedly said about the past and how the mutual friend I said it to took it and blew it WAAAAAY out of proportion. This girl wants to talk to me but quite frankly, I've got nothing to say to her. Or at least, not after the snarky email she sent me. That really did turn me off. She and I were really good friends once upon a time, but before this haven't spoken to each other in years. That being said, I also don't want to leave her hanging when she wants to clear the air.

So how do we take care of it??? Online baby!

Hey W!
Just got off the phone with M. She said you two had a really great conversation when last you ran into each other at F****.

For the record - there is no air to clear. I'm harboring nothing and I don't and never have felt as though I was the demise of your marriage. Unfortunately, off-handed comments made about the past got blurred by the loud noise and alcohol of a bar and got blown out of proportion. Honestly, it's nothing that had even crossed my mind in many, many years and was just as quickly gone after. I'm sorry my words weren't clearer.

You were a truly fantastic and wonderful friend to me when I was in need and struggling through undergrad. For that I will always thank you and would never dispel stupid gossip just for conversations sake.

Hope you've had a fantastic week!
Champagne

No need for details really. And notice the fine use of the "Oreo" technique. Sandwich the negative between two positives? I'm a HUGE fan of the "Oreo" technique and I recommend everyone use it. :-D

Hopefully, this will be the end of it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see...

Seriously?!?!

2008-09-10T14:12:00.003-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that not only do people not have enough to do, but that they like to twist my words.

It started with a previous employer. He still owes me money but said he wasn't paying because I "bad mouthed" my replacement and his business. I never bad-mouthed the business or the new person. However...what I said about him could have been taking the wrong way out of context. But even still, it wasn't BAD per se. Perhaps if he'd have done as he said he would, this wouldn't even be an issue.

I had clients calling me up to two months after I'd left and then getting pissed because they didn't know they were no longer working with me. When they asked what happened, I told them that the owner said he was going to call everybody and I guess he didn't. Then said sorry and to call the restaurant because I didn't know what was going on.

If he wants to get pissed at someone for bad-mouthing...mayhaps he should look to his manager. She calls him a lazy douche bag on a daily basis.

The other issues came about just this morning when I received a nasty MySpace message telling me to "keep my mouth shut." You see, once upon a time there was this girl. A lovely woman with a serious drinking problem. And when she drank, she got CRA-ZY! I'm talking dropping full trou in the bar. Telling people off. You name any psychotic drunk girl thing that comes into your head and she did it. At her wedding, she had a glass of champagne in one hand while she was introducing people to her AA sponsor with the other. But at the same time, when she was sober, she was the dearest, nicest girl in the WORLD!

I didn't talk to her or hang out much with her after she got married. Basically because her groom hit on me during the bachelor party. Told me how he was always interested in me and wanted to sleep with me "while he still could." In the week between the bach party and wedding he'd call and be all sorts of inappropriate. He even tried to make me meet up with him at Putt-Putt!!! He said that was the only place where nobody any of us knew would see us.

I had no idea what to do. I was 22 (?) and completely ill-equipped to deal with the situation. Tell the woman that had been like an older sister to me that the man she was about to marry was hard core trying to get into my pants, ruin our relationship and blow all the money spent? Or keep it to myself?

I kept it to myself.

Day of the wedding, I told him that I wouldn't say anything but that he was to never speak to me ever again. I wasn't too worried about not seeing her again because it had been my experience that once any of my friends got married, they disappeared. And same was true for them as well.

I ran into her at a bar years later. She'd finally gotten serious about laying off the booze and was doing really, really well. She tells me that she got a divorce - he was cheating on her. I slipped that I wasn't surprised and she asked why. Again - cornered in a no win situation. But this time I told her everything. She said she was glad I told her. However...

The next week my best friend M tells me that she ran into this girl in the bar and she was HAMMERED. Then M tells me that the girl was saying that I'm the one that kicked her off the wagon! This is pretty much the last that I hear about her.

So speed up another many years to last Saturday. I ran into a mutual friend of this girl and mine. She brings up W and I tell her the last I heard about her was a million years ago and she was telling everyone that I kicked her off the wagon. I didn't say it in a concerned or vindictive way. Fact is, if you know this girl, the story isn't surprising.

Then at 4 in the morning, I get this message:

Subject: Stop
I did not say you were the cause of any of my past issues...it has been 8 years...please let it go. I am doing well and I know that you are and I am glad, We live in a small city...watch your mouth
Love ya

Initially, I was pretty pissed. But now, I really just don't get it. I've been debating on what I should do and have it narrowed down to these three.

Reply with a simple. "Thanks!" but that's just instigating the potential cra-zy and promoting the drama.
Reply with a longer - Thanks, but what I said was obviously taken out of context and the wrong way and I'm not harboring anything. Haven't even thought about you or that statement in many, many years.
Ignore, delete and move on.

I'm thinking the last option is probably the best and the safest.

Your thoughts?

The Hills

2008-09-02T11:06:00.003-05:00

I meant to post this last night but got distracted. Surprise, surprise...

What the hell has Spencer done to make him such a selfish, self-important, self-righteous DOUCHE BAG!!!

But something better from the show. I looooove Kelly Cutrone for not only obviously setting up the Whit with a hottie, but for this line she said just afterwards...

"That's how you multi-task in the power bitch world."

I want to grow up to be you.

Oh My, Oh My

2008-09-02T11:03:00.002-05:00

So New Kids On The Block was just on The View.

Yes...THAT New Kids.

And they played "Step by Step."

Part of me secretly enjoyed the nod to my middle/high school crush. Part of me is now pissed that that song is going to be stuck in my fucking head for the rest of the day.

I'll say this much. Vocally, they didn't suck. In the looks department, none of them got fat and ugly. But their choreography.

Oooooo the choreography.

I have nothing good to say about that. (But at least they were on time and together!)

Saturday Oh Saturday

2008-09-01T18:45:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, you just got to run with it...

Saturday started out tame enough. I didn't particularly feel like getting dressed up and going out but I did anyway. I started at this upscale Italian restaurant that I'm going to be working with. However, I didn't stay long. The lazy approach to customer service (telling me how they were ready to get out of there. Complaints of being "exhausted" when I asked how they were...all well within earshot of customers.) just really, REALLY got on my nerves. Not to mention that the sole of one of my shoes started coming off and they didn't have super glue or duct tape.

Now what sort of self respecting business doesn't have super glue or duct tape??? Especially since most chefs I know use super glue to close up their cuts!!!

But right before I left, I had a great talk with their sous chef. He is sooooo excited to have me there and even more excited that there is someone in the front of the house that understands back of the house and talks food like a chef. After talking with the sous, I blew out of there.

I went to one of my usual watering holes but nothing "usual" came of it. The oddest happened fairly soon after I got there. I've ordered and received my cocktail. I look down at the end of the bar and there he is. One of the most beautiful, perfect specimen's of MAN I have ever seen. Tall. Perfect body. Amazing, chiseled face. Like a young Daryl Johnston. MMmmmmm, mmmmm, good.

And I know him.

When he spots me, he waves. I wasn't sure if he remembered me or not. We'd only met a couple of times and the last time we saw each other was aaaages ago. I walk down to that end of the bar to say hi. We hug and he asks how I am. Then he says, "No. I really want to know how you are."

"Uh...great."

"That's not telling me anything. OK...first, I want you to tell me one really great thing that's going on in your life right now." I tell him I've started my own business and give him a card. He's super excited for me and we discuss it for a while. Then he says words I'm never fond of hearing.

And really closer to the truth, I never believe anyone wants to know...

He wants me to tell him something that isn't good. That 'thing' that haunts you every day. Whatever it is that stresses you out or is somehow preventing you from moving forward. "I want to know."

"Seriously???"

"Yes. Seriously. I can take it. Whatever it is. I want you to tell me."

I seriously think he's full of shit and toss something out there that's slightly embarrassing, but not 'exposing'. "I'm broke. Competely. I haven't been this poor since undergrad."

"Noooo, no. That's a good thing. It means you're putting everything into this," as he holds up my card. "I don't accept that."

Shit.

He leads me down a hallway so we're not interrupted or listened in on. He launches into some sort of boy scout oath, trust, blah, blah, blah. Tells me that he sees it on my face, that there's definitely something there at the tip of my tongue.

"Why do you want to hear this???"

"Because I care about you. And nothing should hold you back." He then tells me that if I don't want to tell him, it's OK. But that I have to promise that I'll tell someone that care's about me during the next week.

"Oh no. I don't discuss these sorts of things with people I know. It'll be easier with a relative stranger."

And then I actually told the truth. And I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. And I felt all exposed and incredibly awkward for a little bit afterwards, but it actually led to a pretty fun rest of the evening. And here's what I told him...

I'm going to preface this with, I'm a control freak. I am in complete control of my surroundings, my image and especially my emotions. But...I just wish there was one person that I could let go of all of it. I'm lonely and I'm tired of doing it all myself. I just wish that there was one person that was there for me. That I could let go of the reins and let go of the control over my emotions and it wouldn't matter. They were the same "fixer" for me as I am for my friends, clients and myself. But I'm also terrified of commitment and literally feel my throat close up when someone gets too close. And these two things don't fit together and I don't know how to reconcile them. But...there it is.

It was weird. You should have seen the way his face lit up. He gave me the biggest hug and said he was soooo happy for whoever ended up with me in the future because they would be so supported and so lifted up by me. Even so...I still felt really awkward and exposed. Truly naked really. But...I also know that these things have to be spoken out loud or they'll never come to life. And I guess I should be really happy that the other thing he said after this "reveal" was, "Wow! You're probably in about 2-3% of the population that doesn't have anything really dark!"

"Nope! Nothing too dark. I like to keep my baggage in a carry on. Sometimes contents shift in transit, but they always pack up real nice."

Afterwards he rejoined his friends and I ran into a few people I went to high school with. I usually hate that, but this time it didn't suck. Actually, one of the guys was talking about how amazing I looked and that I was too sexy for him and was definitely no longer in his ballpark. The group of us go upstairs and I run into a couple of the owners. They buy me drinks. With the owners was the GM from the muy expensivo steakhouse around the corner. He offers to work with my company!

After I leave there, I decide to make a quick pop-in to the Cuban club down the road. It's past last call and they're trying to kick people out. However, I'm not only let in, but a drink is set down in front of me! I'm hanging out with a couple of friends of mine, F & B - one (B) whom I "know." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. The three of us go back to F's place...but that's when it gets fuzzy.

I don't remember when F went to bed. I don't remember when B and I started making out.

Actually, I think I do.

They were smoking out and I passed. All F says is, "B" and B kisses me with a mouth full of smoke. But I don't remember too much else until I look at a clock and see it's 6:00AM. From there, I made a pretty hasty exit. I kept saying I had to go, B kept asking why. Hopefully I didn't launch into a "You're just not that into me" speech, but that can't be gauranteed. All I can say is that at least I was still fully clothed!!! Nothing in disarray. Even my shoes were still on!

Overall, a pretty fantastic evening when I didn't think it was going to be!

Stenographer's Revenge

2008-08-29T21:30:00.003-05:00

I've been going out quite a bit so I decided to make tonight a Blockbuster night. As I was driving home, a conversation I had with a former co-worker earlier this week replayed in my head. She was telling me that the head boss was having a minor coronary because the manager and sales rep were trying to piece together this huge, repeat event that was coming up but couldn't. The manager and rep weren't working for the company when the event happened the year before and they couldn't figure it out from the file. During the conversation it didn't hit me.

But in the car it did.

I didn't leave my former employer with meticulous notes for over 200 events.

I left my former employer with meticulous SHORTHAND for over 200 events. The personal shorthand that I developed through my 3 1/2 years in the position.

And an evil satisfaction came over me like a warm, delicious hug.

Why Do I Still Get Surprised

2008-08-23T18:50:00.002-05:00

You know, the gall of men still to this day never ceases to amaze me.

I went to a bar that I rarely frequent anymore. Used to be famous chef/owner, but now is just tired. Literally. If you ask him how he is, that is what he'll tell you. It's what he's told me every single time I've asked him that question for years now.

But I digress...

I go in for happy hour yesterday. I'd been talking with the bartender because I adored her haircut. After a bit, the man a few seats down from me says we've met before. As soon as he said his last name I knew it. We met a couple of years ago. Had tons in common and really hit it off. He'd asked me out but there was just something about him that didn't quite sit right. Honestly, he didn't exactly seem smart enough. Not initially, but over a couple of conversations. If I dig into the recesses of my brain, I think he had a memory issue that I just wasn't caring to deal with. As in, not telling me some pertinitent info - like kids. But then telling me some of the same stories over and over again. Something like that anyway...

But we're talking and it's "Pop Pop Pop" just like the first time we met. I start to think to myself if I want to give this one a second chance. But I notice the cocktails going down way to quickly. And when he'd go outside to smoke, the bartender went outside too. After the second time that happened, I then think to myself that they are together.

And I would be correct.

He comes back and sits down. He tells me that things haven't been that great and she's just given him a lecture about ME. Apparently, the two of them don't have conversations like he and I do and she's noticing. He tells me she's intimidated of me.

"Really?!?! You've got to be kidding me!"

"No. She is. She knows I've got a thing for redheads."

"She's GORGEOUS! What's her damage?"

But apparently she's also the jealous type and is really jealous of me. She can see the lively conversation and it's bothering her. "You cleared it up, right?" I ask. He says yes, that we're old friends, blah, blah, blah. But I had a feeling it didn't work. Especially when he's then saying he wants to get together with me sometime. "We can be friends right? There's nothing inappropriate with that, right?"

"Well, if you have to ask...then you're probably being inappropriate."

He procedes to tell me that he was interested in me when we first met. That when I started talking with the bartender, he recognized my voice immediately and HAD to turn around to see me. Blah. Blah...Blah.

When he went to the men's room, the bartender girlfriend starts "casually" asking me questions. But we all know there was nothing "casual" about it - she was feeling me out! "Jimmy tells me you're friends." "How did y'all meet again?" and so forth.

I had already been ready to go for a while. I'd had a whole evening lined up and didn't want to drink too much. That plan failed miserably. The girlfriend but the three of us shots. Not only that but he was leaving to meet up with some friends and I couldn't leave at the same time! I told him I was pissed at him because I HAD to stay for another drink because now I knew she was threatened by me and I didn't want her to think I was trying to make a move on her man! I don't go in there that often, but I sure as hell don't want to fuck it up for when I do go!!!

I went to the ladies' room and when I got back, he'd left. Whew!!! I get some more "casual" questions from the bartender girlfriend. I answer everything like it's all nooo biiiiig deeeal and then deftly switch the conversation to business. It wasn't busy in there so I ask if construction has hurt them. (The area they're located in was TORE UP!!!)

I think I managed to emerge unscathed. The rest of my night, however, was totally shot to hell. Too much at happy hour meant Whataburger and passing out on the couch while watching the Olympics!!!

Tee Hee

2008-08-18T09:39:00.002-05:00

So I have this crazed, lunatic, uber-conservative aunt. And if that's not enough - the truly unfortunate kind that doesn't even do their research...just go with the flow of the "ultra-right."

Quick example - conservative email forwards with no real merit??? Yeah...she forwards those things to Sean Hannity as truth!!!

She's been forwarding me her crap for years, but recently polls seem to have been included as well.

So what have I been doing with the polls meant for only conservatives to give them "poll credentials"???

Answering them in the total opposite manner to skew the results!!!

And I've been taking an evil pleasure in it as well...

Random Question

2008-08-15T19:58:00.003-05:00

So here's a random question for the peanut gallery...

When a man asks, "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" How the hell are you supposed to answer that?!?! Because in my "girl brain" I hear, "What's wrong with you?"

Am I incorrect in this thinking?

The Saga Concludes

2008-08-09T16:08:00.001-05:00

The JR Saga has come to a close. I get it now. He doesn't think of me anything other than an old friend.

But don't you know it had to continue in a saga-rific downward spiral first...

Get yourself a cocktail...this one's going to take some time...

When I got the email that he had other plans, I was gobsmacked but figured I was generally OK. I had talked it out with a couple of friends and blogged so it's all good right?

Well...not so much. At least, not until I went to bed. And then the brain starts. I could. not. go. to. sleep. An email played out in my head. "This is good." I think and get up to write it out.

But that's not enough. I still can't sleep. "I could throw on some clothes and go out," I think. But don't. I eventually get back up and turn the computer back on. "I'll just type it out and save it in drafts."

But I don't.

So yes, ladies and gentlemen (or couple of ladies who fell here by accident!), I sent a raw, heart-felt email to JR at 2 in the morning. I even surprised myself that I did it. I never, ever tell a man when he's hurt me or exactly what I'm feeling when it's not all fun and light. When things like this happen, it's a hearty fuck you and I'm done. Or cover and say it's all fine.

But never what I actually said to him.

I told him how he forgot me. And how important the dinner was to me. How I'd been just dying to go to this restaurant since I first heard it was opening but would never be able to afford to without the opportunities like Restaurant Week. And to be able to share this experience with friends. But instead, I was infinitely embarrassed that I had to tell my best friend that I was forgotten. And how she would tell her husband, who has never liked me that my dinner date forgot me. And the meal I was so looking forward to was now stained and nothing would fix that. Finding a replacement doesn't make anything better because then you just have to hide from them that they weren't first choice. I finished it by saying that maybe I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed, but I am. Maybe I should have expected this, but I didn't. Maybe I should be glad that I found out now instead of when he was leaving, or by being stood up, but I'm not. And ended with - I honestly don't know what to say.

The next day, K forwarded a seriously, painfully polite email that she had typed up to send to him. She'd offered it up the evening before and I agreed since they already had each other's emails even though they have never met. I told her I'd already sent an email and maybe we shouldn't...overkill and all. I forward her a copy of my email. She loves it and says it's so raw. She was also completely surprised that I actually put it all out there like that.

While we're deliberating sending her email, I receive an apology from JR. He had no idea that it meant that much to me and is truly completely sorry for his crappy scheduling skills. He'd apparently double booked just the week prior as well. He knows there is no excuse and nothing will make it up. That he just hopes that I'll forgive his oversight and he'll call later that day because he really hates doing things like this through email.

I want to. K doesn't care. She decides, and I let her, send off her own email. A beautifully worded email that is a thickly veiled, you're a moron! Essentially, they're disappointed that he can't make it. She was looking forward to meeting him. She was especially dismayed because it would have been good to have another male non-foodie for her husband to talk to when Champagne and I "wax rhapsodic" about the food too much. Also, Rome is one of their favorite cities and they would have really loved to hear about his trips. But...she's sure he'll have a great time in Colorado. blah, blah.

Then...we wait. Wait to see if he calls me. Wait to see if he responds to her. And he didn't.

At least, not that night. And not before I could stop my neurotic behavior and send another email when I hadn't heard before 10pm. I was afraid that K's email had set him over the edge and it was just ending in this very ugly, undignified way. So this email said, "I thought you were calling today. What happened? I want to talk to you too. I'm not going to be able to stop feeling like a loser until I do."

I managed to get to sleep at a more descent hour that night, but still woke up wicked early. A little after 9:30, I get a forward from K...JR's reply apology to her. She asks if she should reply. I tell her that it's a nice enough reply so why not. She tells me she WASN'T going to be nice but instead suggest a calendar would have prevented this entire situation. I ponder, but at the same time just wish all of it would go away.

He'd replied to her and yet still hadn't called me and I desperately wish that it would all just disappear. I tell K that I just want to send an email that says forget it. Forget I asked. Forget it ever happened. I OBVIOUSLY have made an extremely poor decision and I've learned from that lesson. I will never ask another thing of you ever again. K rights me to my senses and tells me to ABSOLUTELY don't do that and if he's a decent guy, he'll call.

And he did. Thankfully just a few moments later.

I'll say this first - the conversation ultimately lasted 2 1/2 hours. And I learned a lot from that conversation. Most importantly - he's not into me. Not that that was ever said. Not that it was ever hinted at. I know and can definitely tell that my friendship is important to him, but he definitely doesn't think of me in "that way." And so now I'm going to turn him into my best-straight boy-friend. Essentially, the straight version of a gay boyfriend. But I can almost guarantee that he's not going to want that. That makes me even more uncensored than I already am.

So the convo itself - about 20 minutes of uncomfortable tap dancing, followed by uncomfortable silence. Then came the apology. He's truly very sorry. It wasn't anything personal. He didn't forget me per se and wishes that I wouldn't take it personally even though there really isn't any other way to take it but personally. I let him go and explain and when I sensed good and uncomfort, very quietly said thank you.

Then...it was to covering my ass so he wouldn't figure any of this out! Let's face it...the only reason a person would ever get so upset is if they were into you. He's obviously not into me so let the covering begin! And everything I told him was very true. I told him about how K's husband doesn't like me. Has never liked me so I'm going to be on edge that evening as it already is. I need a person with me that I don't have to worry about. I know they won't embarrass me or say anything stupid. I know they're on my side and my side alone. Plus, I mentioned how even though I adore restaurants and dining out, I don't like to go out to dinner. Mainly because there are so many people out there I don't like and the thought of finding someone that I liked well enough to sit with, face to face and share the intimate experience of fine dining is exhausting. He was supposed to be an easy answer. Then I went into how I'm always so invested of making sure that it's the right fit otherwise, I'll be on edge the entire evening and it will ruin my dinner.

Luckily, he understood. But this is where I learned why I'm rarely spoken to when it's "the group." He said he doesn't like "to babysit" and so he makes introductions then it's every man for himself. The only time he doesn't do that is with someone he's dating. Then he'll stick with her for a bit but she's on her own too. Sometimes, he tosses her in just to see what happens. He said that with one girlfriend, at the end of the night she felt like she was on an interview. There is apparently one more girl that I haven't met yet that he described as "almost as blunt" as me. I thought that was pretty funny. What is also funny about all that bullshit is that the first time I met up with him and the group, he wasn't even there. I did it all on my own. I had him on the phone and he described the friends to me. I then went up to the table and introduced myself. And now he doesn't introduce me because he thinks I already know everyone even though I don't.

The rest of the conversation was just a mix of all sorts of things. Dating. Bad pick up lines. Things I've said to men that I wasn't interested in.

(My personal fave being to just a seriously unfortunate man, "Oh look! You're trying to hit one out of the ballpark. Good for you!")

Discussed the email K sent. "She did??? Oh my gosh! I'm sooooo sorry. What did it say?" He said he couldn't decide if she was disappointed or really angry and trying to hide it. He'd decided on a combo of the two. I told him that "my guess" was that she wrote because he'd upset her best friend. K asked if he was pissed about it and he wasn't. Actually he thought it was funny that she'd take the time to write an email and definitely understood taking up for a friend.

We discussed his business. My business. How right now we're both at the point where there is just so much to do that you get overwhelmed and end up doing absolutely nothing. He's actually one of the only people in my close circle that has said anything really supportive to me about it. He told me that I would make a killing with my concept in the next door city, but can definitely create a very comfortable existence for myself here. And his version of comfortable is much more plush than your average bear's.

K asked if I thought he knew. Knew this was all an elaborate set-up to create a "double-date." Knew that I was into him. I told her I acted my ass off and was pretty sure he didn't. But quite frankly, he's a smart guy. I don't know how he couldn't. Either way, I'm turning it off. Done.

But I think the most gratifying part of the conversation came at the very end. As we were getting off the phone he says, "Talk to you later."

"Yeah...talk to you later."

"WILL I talk with you later?" he asked very meaningfully.

"Yes. We'll talk later."

And we will. But what I won't be doing ever again is asking him to anything! I've learned that mother-fucking lesson!!! :-D And most likely, I'll be avoiding a majority of the group outings as well.

Realization

2008-08-07T15:22:00.002-05:00

So a light bulb just went off.

I think I know why I can't commit. And it has nothing to do with being afraid someone better will come along or any of that other nonsense.

It...as with most things in my world...is about control. Except this time, it's control over my emotions. The only men on earth that have ever been able to get me to totally, crazy-chic loose it have been the ones that I have truly, genuinely felt feelings for. Not just a crush, but really was into.

Obviously, most recently was JR. (more on that later - it's a long one but I have started working on that post.) I've been a basket case. Even when I full well know what is going to happen and try to brace myself for it, I still loose control over my emotions. Total basket case behavior and it's really not that acceptable. Or attractive...

In the past there was my one long term, serious relationship. I threw things. Phones mainly and usually not in front of him. But there was the one time that I did. It was a Cosmopolitan. Chunked it across the room. Shattered it against the wall. He made me very volatile.

Another time it was this bartender. He and I had been friends and only friends for a great many years. Then one night we run into each other. He professes how he's been so into me for years and how it's killed him to see me with other men. He came over but time has erased where that evening went wrong. All I remember is us screaming at each other and me having to physically remove him from my home. He kept telling me that he loved me and that I loved him to, but was just scared. I don't know, but it was really, really loud. I'm surprised people weren't called on that one.

And the one time. The memory that flicked on this light bulb. His name was Mike. He was attractive, smart, funny. Attractive. Smart. We really, REALLY clicked when we first met. It was at a mutual friend's house party. At the end of the night he walked me to my car and kissed me. It was one of the most amazing kisses ever. Truly breath-taking. Then he said the deadly words.

"I have a girlfriend."

I was instantly crushed. And pissed! And told him so. But he kept calling after that night. Eventually, I had to put the calls to a stop. We ran into each other a year or so later and the same mutual friend's event. I tried to be nice but he just looked shocked to see me and was very cold. He emailed later with an apology. He was just so taken aback seeing me that he didn't know what to do. He should have guessed that I would be there, but just wasn't prepared.

He was no longer with that girlfriend and asked if I would get together with him. It was nice and the kisses were just as amazing but I just couldn't bring myself to sleep with him. I didn't feel "right" with him. Just not quite myself. More like a child really and I'm not sure why...although, I was fairly young and definitely wouldn't have called myself "experienced" at the time. He knew too much really personal information that I'd never told anybody and I really needed for us to be "just friends."

And we did "just friends" really well. Or at least until DW came along. DW and I were introduced at a rock club and I instantly fell. Everything clicked. Perfectly. He asked if he could come over and I said he could, but I had a 7:30am hair appointment the next day.

(I really did...not just bullshitting.)

We picked up take out and went back to my place. We ate, watched some TV...and then were at it like rabbits. The next morning I go for the hair cut and leave him to sleep. When I get back, I crawled into bed. He told me how great my hair looked and then...again...at it like rabbits. Eventually we got up and read the newspaper together. When I start doing the crossword, he asked if he could do the other one. I couldn't believe it - a man that wanted to do the crossword puzzles with me. And that became our routine every morning he was over.

Well, I was talking with Mike and mentioned a date with DW. "Who's that?"

"A new guy I'm seeing."

"Have you slept with him?"

"Yes."

And man, was Mike PISSED!!! He went off that I'd slept with someone I didn't know and wouldn't sleep with him.

"Well in case you have forgotten, let me refresh your memory...You lied to me!!! The very first night we met. You made me fall for you only for it all to be a fucking lie!!!"

Needless to say, the conversation didn't exactly get any better. It too was quite loud and volatile. But I did, really, like him.

Which brings me back to the original point. When I really, truly care for someone, I can't keep control over my emotions. Hence, never get too involved. Never loose control.

So the question is now...now that I have that figured out...how do I fix it???

The "Post-It"

2008-08-04T23:20:00.003-05:00

Remember the episode of SatC where Burger breaks up with Carrie on a post-it?

I received the email equivalent to that exact post it and he doesn't even realize it.

When I received the email that he was bailing, apology (pseudo because a real apology asks how to right the wrong) and will I be able to get a replacement I responded with, "Thanks for letting me know. I'll make it work."

What do I get back?

I am so sorry!
I know I suck!
Don't hate me forever!@

Now, I believe all of us SatC lovers remember the post-it. Say it with me now...

I'm sorry
I can't
Don't hate me

It's the post-it!!!!!

Game Over

2008-08-04T19:42:00.003-05:00

JR just bailed on the dinner. He told a friend that he'd go to Colorado Springs with him next week and they won't be back until the day after.

Game over.

I had a warning email earlier today. Asking what the date was that he thought he'd messed up big time. K and I discussed that something like this would be a deal breaker even for a friend. Reservations were made a month prior to said date. Emergencies are one thing but write shit down on your calendar. This us inexcusable.

This is why I don't date. I have a years long history of men flaking on me. Especially when it's something important to me. And sure, it's just dinner. And we were bringing him along as a test subject. But the truth is, I'm a MAJOR foodie and I've been salivating to eat at this restaurant ever since I first heard it would be opening here. The reservations are super coveted. And he knew how important all of this was to me.

Not to mention the fact that best friend K's husband can't stand me. Finding someone appropriate for dinner with my best friend is hard enough, much less trying to find one that will fit with me, my best friend and her husband.

It's like freshman year of college all over again when I was required to find a date for the sorority informal. Luckily, my sisters fixed that for me. And they're doing it again this time to. K worked out a back up plan for me after I told her there was that moment when I hated JR the other evening. So, if I don't somehow scrounge up someone that isn't going to embarrass the shit out of me in front of my best friend and the hubby that can't stand me, then there's still a warm body to fill up the 4th seat.

Either way...game over for JR.

Uh...yeah...

2008-08-04T10:11:00.003-05:00

So this morning I got a reply to the "sorry I didn't make it" email I sent JR yesterday.

"We had a great time...check out the vids...missed you!"

What the hell??? Seriously. What the hell.

We have a dinner coming up. He and I, best friend and hubby. Super-upscale restaurant. In another city. With a couple. With nobody under 30. All very "adult." 2008 instead of 1992. This will be the litmus test. That and...I'll have my best friend in tow to lend another opinion and see behavior first hand.

The Ineptitude of Youth

2008-08-03T12:01:00.003-05:00

So the other evening I'm out in downtown. I'd had a long day of writing contracts and couldn't see straight. I needed a martini the size of my head and I found it from one of the most adorable bartenders in downtown. Made so even more by the fact that he only charged me a happy hour well drink price for my not-so-well cocktail!

I was going to hit the jazz bar around the corner but as I left it started to rain. When I crossed the street it was raining even harder so I quickly headed back to my original spot. After the rain subsided, I resumed my plans for the jazz bar.

Unfortunately by the time I arrived they were charging cover. The manager was at the door and I was talking with him until the door guy showed up. The door guy and I had never officially met, but there was a mild flirtation between us a while back during a music showcase. He officially introduced himself and we started talking.

And we didn't stop talking until he was off work. It was really great. Fun, friendly, witty. Quite a few things in common. A love for $0.25 words and making fun of others. All in all, a great time.

And then he had to go and botch it with his youth in the end.

"So...there's quite a bit of sexual tension between us."

"If that's what you want to call it." In truth, there wasn't. Not sexual tension anyway. Just some playful flirting. But I digress...

"So what do you suggest we do about it?" he asks.

"Well...I'm going to go home. And you're going to go off and do whatever it is you're going to do and we'll talk another time."

"You want me to call you when I'm done."

"Uh...no." And then gently patting his face say, "I just met you. I don't think so. That's tacky."

He said he was working again Saturday and asked if I'd be there. I said I didn't know yet and we'll see.

But I'm not your groupie. Nor am I 22. If you want to see me again to eventually get into my pants, you're going to have to call and set up a proper date.

It's too bad he ruined it like that. He had really great potential.

The Confusing Behavior Continues...

2008-08-03T11:39:00.003-05:00

Seriously. This man makes absolutely no sense. Whatsoever. Actions and words do NOT add up.

As we already know, I skipped the lake house extravaganza. Outdoors in 100+ weather with no escape hatch and the one actual friend I have there barely speaking to me...I don't think so.

But I also didn't want him to think the Friday disappearance and Saturday's no appearance were related. So this morning, I send a quick email. "Sorry I wasn't able to make it yesterday. Hope a fabulous time was had by all!"

About an hour later, I receive a text. "T****** 11a No excuses."

What the hell?!?! Seriously!?!? A morning in a restaurant with the shittiest service in town. Surrounded by people I don't know just to be ignored again by the person that invited me. Again...I don't think so. So I text back.

"I just had breakfast and I have a conflict with rewarding their bad service with my money."

"Fair enough. :-)"

But then...why oh why do I do this...I send: "Thanks doll! Lets do a movie soon."

Almost immediately I get, "Cool."

There is absolutely no reasonable explanation for this behavior. My best friend K agrees. The only thing I can even possibly think of is it's like in high school - you like someone and when it's just you guys it's all cool. But when the friends are around, you play it all cool and aloof. Every time we've been out with the others he's not even sat next to me. Except this isn't 1992.

This is 2008. A 2008 that I firmly live in.

I'm going to need to run this past some testosterone for another opinion. All the girls I know are as thoroughly confused by it as I.

Just What I Needed

2008-08-02T20:17:00.003-05:00

So last night I got exactly what I needed. The kick in the ass to get me over JR.

I was going to a wine bar for happy hour and JR and his group were going to be going to happy hour at one of the local museums. I'd told him I'd join up with them after I met with the owner of this wine bar.

When I was done at the wine bar I text JR asking if they were still there. He said he never went and everyone was coming downtown. But...he didn't say where. So I jokingly send back, "you going to tell me where or you just teasing." I shortly receive the location back.

But I start to think about it. I wasn't technically invited to join if I have to ask where. And I don't like the place they were going. Quite frankly, I refuse to reward bad food and service by giving them more of my money. I decide to instead hit the restaurant across the street from the wine bar. And I'm really glad I did. I hung out with a super cool chic and may start doing PR for the amazing chef.

Anyways, I receive a text. JR et. al's new location. One that doesn't suck. I had a fresh cocktail so sent that I'd join after I finished. I text later asking if their still there and they are. When I finish and leave I text that I'm on my way but never hear back. As I walk up I call to ask exactly where in the restaurant they are but he doesn't answer. Luckily, I see them in the windows as I walk past.

I enter the restaurant. Those at the table that know me give me a warm welcome except JR. He just sarcastically says, "Glad you could finally show up. Have a seat but don't bother to order anything because we're leaving."

I can do sarcastic better than most so quip back, "Not exactly an issue pumpkin. I can leave just as easily as I came."

And that was actually the last thing he said directly to me for the rest of the evening.

We all leave and are standing outside figuring out where to go next. They mention a bar that I really don't like, but I also didn't know how to gracefully exit.

I ended up making a not-so-graceful exit instead.

We walk down to this bar and are standing around. By this point I'm extremely disinterested. As we were standing outside of that restaurant I came to a realization - I do not like JR at all when he's around his friends and has been drinking. He's not an entertaining drunk...more of a bump really. Pair that with the fact that he hardly speaks to me when his friends are around and it adds up to a waste of time. Now, I could analyze why he isn't flirtatious and warm with me when everyone else is around til the cows come home but it doesn't really matter. The fact is, in the group, the others are warmer to me than he. Done deal.

So we enter and are standing around at this bar that I soooooo don't want to be at. One of the girls makes a loop to see if there are any tables on the first floor. There aren't. So she says there are plenty of tables on the 2nd floor if we want to go up there. Everyone agrees and start for the stairs.

As I'm following, I can't stop my feet. It was my chance and I took it. They walk off and as I follow, I loop around a table and leave.

Saying nothing.

No warning.

I walk down to my new fave restaurant and I'm really glad I did. I had a few friends there, including a newly made rich friend. Like seriously rich. But thankfully, he doesn't flaunt it. Just friendly with it. So I drank entirely too much champagne AND had dinner on his tab!

And let me just side-track for a moment about the lovely dinner. Richie Rich asks if I've had dinner. "No."

"Are you hungry?"

"Yes."

"What do you want?"

"I don't care."

So he calls the Sous Chef over to get me something to eat. He asks what I'd like and again, I don't care. So he asks light or heavy.

"Medium."

He brings me a beautiful dish not on the menu. They only make it for VIP's because it's so labor intensive. But he said he wanted to impress me. Even stood there. Eagerly anticipating the look on my face after the first bite.

And it was perfection. Shrimp mousse ravioli on a bed of mashed potatoes with the lightest of cream sauces and some micro greens. It was so delish!

Back to the kick in my pants...

About 15 minutes or so after I made my hasty unannounced exit I get a text from JR.

??

Sorry! Something came up...had to bounce.

Everything OK?

Yea. Thank you pumpkin.

And everything was A-OK. But only because I left. I knew it wouldn't have been if I'd stayed.

After the restaurant closed I walked with an old friend down to the jazz club. On the way I asked him something. "Will you please make sure I don't get in any fights? Apparently, there have been a few times that I've been really drunk and hit people and don't remember it."

He laughs and says OK. Then I tell him that these guys I've hit have also said that I hit like a man and it hurts but I don't understand how my skinny little arms could hurt.

"Honey. I've met your family and based on your uncle alone (they're good friends) I know you hit like a man."

But luckily, no fighting ensued. I had a glass of water and then left.

All in all, it ended up being a truly enjoyable evening. Today on the other hand...let's just say I'm paying for last night in other ways. :-D

Forgot To Mention

2008-08-01T12:43:00.003-05:00

So during the last post on JR I forgot to mention something. Something so unbelievably unexpected I was really, literally stopped in my tracks.

The man cleaned my fridge!!!

Not in a pull the food out, clean the interior. Mine is over/under and there's apparently a spot that literally nobody ever cleans.

Even me. The neat freak.

He was sitting at my dining room table. I set down his sandwich and asks what he wants to drink. I open the fridge and pull out the milk when he suddenly asks if I have some 409.

"Uh...maybe," and start to look. Then he asks for something to clean counter tops with. Now...there was a little bit o' jelly still on the counter and I honestly thought that's what he was going for so I had him the clorox wipes. But then he opens the fridge and starts cleaning the space between the freezer and fridge. Where the door seals.

And let me tell you...it was nasty. I didn't ever even think of that as something I should be cleaning. I didn't know it was gunky.

While he was cleaning he said it was the rental owner coming out in him. I just stood there, jaw dropped. In shock. A man was actually cleaning something in my home. Even my ex didn't do that... WHEN HE LIVED HERE! I actually heard myself saying the words, "I think I'm a little bit in love with you right now." The response was, of course, "eh...these are the things nobody ever notices. I just happened to catch it real quick."

Then later he gets up and starts poking around one of the windows. "I'm sure you're used to the noise or may have thought it was the AC but that rattle? It's coming from your window." Then presses it in and sure enough...no rattle. Then he tells me how to fix it. I told him he was more than welcome to fix it himself since he seemed to be an expert at fixing my creaky old home.

I just still can't get past the fact that the man cleaned my refrigerate!!!

In other news, getting over him isn't quite as difficult as I'd anticipated. I just keep trying to tell myself the Greg Berendht/SatC mantra...if he was that into me, he'd show it. It's not rocket science. And he's not showing it, so I'm not wasting near as much energy as I could be.

His group has plans for this weekend but I didn't receive the email. Not on purpose - just didn't get it. He ended one of his emails to me this morning with "coming tomorrow right?" but I didn't know what he was talking about. It's another cookout at his mom's lake house. But it's soooooo fucking hot these days and quite frankly...I don't like him when the entire group is around. Sure, it's for selfish reason but these are his friends. Not mine. They're nice enough but it's not like I talk to or hang out with any of them if he's not around. I honestly don't want to go. But I don't have other plans to gracefully bow out with.

Meh...

JR Update

2008-07-27T14:15:00.001-05:00

Through part of the last JR episode, I came to a realization on why I don't like to commit.

Loss of control.

I had absolutely no control over my emotions, even when I knew full well what was going to happen.

JR was back in town between the 2nd and 3rd legs of the "world tour." I wanted to get his opinion on an upcoming meeting I had so we set up a time to talk about it. During the conversation he said he needed to call his sister real quick to see if they were going to hang out that night. Unfortunately, I'd had the idea to ask if he wanted to come over. When he called back and said he'd left a message, I said it was too bad he already had potential plans because I was going to see if he wanted to come over to my place.

"Damn! Well, she should be calling back soon and if not, then I'll come over."

We then got off the phone because he was meeting one of the guys for coffee. I text him that if he makes it over, I've got fabulous leftover cake. All the time knowing that he's not coming for whatever reason. Because every time I'd invited him over, something blocked it.

And sure enough came the text. Sorry! Can't make it. Going to have a quick drink at Baker's and then hang with my sister. Maybe another time.

Even knowing it wasn't going to happen and preparing myself that it wasn't going to happen, when I got the text a tiny part of me was crushed. I lost it. But then pulled it back together again. As much as I want to, I'm not giving this my tears I thought to myself.

But it was an internal struggle none the less. Which is when I came to my realization. I can't handle the emotional roller coaster. I've always been able to keep control over my feelings and when I can't I just don't know what to do with myself. But I also don't know what to say to him either. So I just send a simple "OK."

MOMENTS later I got two back to back messages. "Hate me?? :)" and "I still want cake!!!"

What the hell to say to this? Yes I do. Or, more accurately, No but I hate myself for letting this get to me when I know better. But instead...

"Not yet. But that cake isn't going to last forever. And it's fantastic cake..."

He texts back, "Cake for lunch sounds about right."

"Yes...yes it does."

He called about 10:30, on his way home. And we talked for HOURS! Literally. We didn't get off the phone until nearly 1am. Talked about everything. Funny stuff. Serious stuff. Things I'd never thought about until recently - like where was his Dad. I'd never met one and he'd never mentioned him. Ever. And yet he was so close with his Mom and sister. Very family oriented. So I just went for it. And it was definitely an uncomfortable moment. But it was still ours.

But again...all veeeeery high school! Being on the phone with the boy you like until all hours of the night.

All of the sudden he says, "Champagne! It's 12:45! You've kept me up all night."

"You called me."

"Oh yeah...ya got me there. But you talked 80% of the time."

"You could have stopped me aaaaany time you'd liked. Or even during your 20%."

"Yeah...I guess you're right."

"Admit it...you liked it my talking too much." (still a little touchy from Richard)

Looooong pause. So long I thought I fucked up, but I wasn't caving. I wasn't speaking next. And then with a soft voice came...."Yeah...I did."

The next day he came over for cake for lunch. A late lunch because he slept a good portion of the day. :-) When he showed up, I asked if wanted anything first...before cake. He said he'd take whatever I had. I told him to have a look and see what interested him. Then he tells me that he was going to make pb & j but didn't have everything since he'd been out.

"You want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?"

"If you've got the stuff, than yeah!"

"Of course I've got all the stuff!"

He was totally impressed that almost everything I had was organic. Not sure why, but he was. AND...that I had milk! Again...not so sure why. He says, "this is really great jelly!"

"Thanks! It's actually an all fruit spread."

Between all of that and then telling him the experiments I've been making in the kitchen...(grilled lamb chops with cliantro lime cous cous and steamed broccoli. Grilled nectarines w/vanilla ice cream, chocolate sauce and a splash of brandy. Gaspacho) and completely reinforced the nickname his psuedo lil sis gave me - Food Snob.

"Who the hell cooks like that for just one person?"

I sheepishly raise my hand.

"Wow!" he says laughing. "You really are a food snob."

We spent the rest of our time eating cake and watching the end of Roman Holiday. From the conversation the night before, I couldn't believe that as much as he loooves classic movies, there were still so many mandatory ones that he's never seen. He'd never seen any of Audrey Hepburn's but after Roman Holiday, fell in love. He'd watched it on his way to Rome, but somehow didn't get the ending. Then we watched the beginning of Wedding Crashers before he had to leave for a 5pm appointment.

He was extremely generous with the thanks when he left. I thanked me a few times for the cake and letting him come over. I also received thanks for cake by text and e-mail. He was definitely raised to show appropriate manners.

I'm starting to think this is all in my head. He'd said once that when you're interested in someone, you read into things that aren't there. That he'd done that before in the past. I don't know if he was just throwing that out there or giving me a direction. Either way, I think this is all going to end up in the friendship zone. There's a mock "double date" set up with he and I and K and her hubby in a couple of weekends for restaurant week. I say mock as in, JR doesn't know that it's all an elaborate plot to get him out of this town and away from all of his friends. Even the hubby is in on it and the hubby doesn't like me!

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Ya Know It When...

2008-07-26T13:49:00.003-05:00

Now I certainly don't want to discuss work here. This blog is for drunken escapades and covert party operations. BUT...this tidbit is just too good.

You know you're a good boss when your staffers keep in touch and tell you that you were their best boss ever even when you no longer sign their paycheck.

And you know that job you left those staffers in sucks when the majority of them quit after you do.

But you really know that you're a good boss that had a sucky job when they text you joyously on their last day. As if they've helped you stick it to the old job.

Because they have.

I handed my department back to the company on a silver platter. Training manuals for every last possible situation written. Tips, tricks and lead times for dealing with other departments. A fabulous and immaculately trained staff that would be able to train others.

And they've let it crumble...

But it's all good. Because I know that I've left it better than when I came. As I believe you should do. Even when the company didn't care about you. Because that's what professionals do.

And that experience and integrity makes me look better to future clients.

Richard

2008-07-26T11:40:00.002-05:00

If you are as big of a SatC fan as I am, you'll know the reference. Sam's one time boyfriend, Richard.

Of the perfect dick. Long, pink, amazing. It's dickalicious.

Well, I met my own "Richard." Seriously...it was the most perfect penis I had ever seen.

Richard and I met quite a few weeks ago. He was bartending in the restaurant I went into after seeing "Spamalot." Sweet sweet face and super kind. The guy you just couldn't help but want to like. Quite a few of us were hanging out and slowly knocked off one by one. Towards the end of the evening it was just him, his ex girlfriend giving him a ride while his car was in the shop and myself. The ex made a hasty exit into the office and he followed. I asked if I needed to leave and he said no. He was away for a bit and came back out laughing. The ex asked if she needed to leave so he could get laid. Really kinda sweet for an ex.

Anyways, that evening I did leave. Alone. But not the next time I saw him.

It was a couple of weeks after. I went in for post-show cocktails to another production. When I walked in the restaurant he positively beamed! I ADORE that in a man.

It was another long night of cocktails. And unfortunately part of the evening did go horribly awry...

On our way to another bar, he told me something. And I know he meant well behind it, but after a bottle of prosecco there is no such thing as "constructive criticism."

He told me I talked too much. That my stories were too long. Like I said, there was well meaning behind it. While he's at work he doesn't have a lot of time and feels bad when he leaves me mid-story. I told him it really wasn't a big deal; it's what we all do while we're at work. Start your story, leave for duties, pick up where you left off. But either way, it made him feel bad. Especially since he does like me and asked if I noticed how he lit up when I walked in the room.

When we leave the bar he walks me to my car and I drive him around to his. He mentions that I'm being uncharacteristically quiet.

"I've got nothing to say."

"Is this about..." and I cut him off. "No. I've got nothing to say and since I talk to much I'm just not going to say anything."

And then...the really uncharacteristic thing happened. I felt tears start to form.

Now, I'm not much of a crier, but recently it's been happening a lot more often. Luckily, it's been to stupid commercials or television shows and in the privacy of my own home.

But now I'm in front of someone. I desperately try to stop it to no avail...

"Are you crying?"

"No," as he sweetly wipes a tear away from my eye.

He asks what's wrong and I say nothing. Then...we get serious for a second. He's just recently gotten out of a relationship and isn't looking for anything serious. He keeps attracting these "damaged" girls and has no interest in fixing anyone or being their shrink or savior. I tell him that I'm not damaged. I come with minimal baggage, wasn't abused, etc. All in all, I'm pretty good. Then he asks if he can come over...

"You can. But I'm not sleeping with you tonight."

He came over and it was sooooo sweet. He said he had a dingy wife-beater on under his shirt and did I mind if he took off his shirt and rocked the wife-beater.

"Nope. Make yourself at home. And I'm about to put on some shorts and haven't shaved in a couple of days. Mind if I rock some leg stubble?"

"Nope...make yourself at home."

Then he asked if he could take off his pants. "I received a 'gift' from my father and even though I'm in boxers, you can still tell. Is that ok?"

"Sure." When of course, I'm thinking ding, ding, ding, jackpot!

We settle into the couch and watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Then...the making out started. And it was good. Really good. Like effortlessly good. And every so often, we would break to quote the movie. Then proceed to the making out again.

After a while he says, "Can you see the TV from over there," and points to the curtains that my bed hide behind.

"Of course you can! And it's a fabulous place to watch TV from. I do it all the time!"

So we move to the bed. And again with the making out. Then he pulls off his boxers and says he sleeps in the nude.

And there it was...the most. perfect. penis. I've ever seen. Seriously. It was beautiful.

But as I said. No sex that evening. (that time...)

We made out again hot and heavy in the morning. And then a nap. Then at it again. And you know, it was actually the most comfortable that I've ever slept next to someone in a looooong time without being in a sexual relationship with them. It was nice.

But alas...all the discussions of what we wanted. Which was the same thing by the way - someone to go out with and have a good time with. Even after he told me how bad he felt that he was alone at a magazine event for the 50 most powerful people in town alone and wished I'd been there with him. Even after the unfortunately expressed vulnerability. It was all a waste of time and energy.

I accidentally ran into him the other evening while he was out with the boys. When he first saw me, he gave me a huge hug and chatted for a bit. But then, not only did he not even do the "psuedo intro"...you know where you sort of introduce people, but you make eyes at your friends that you wished they'd go away...but he just ignored me altogether. I rejoined my friends and he didn't speak to me again for the rest of the evening.

So it seems that the perfect dick did indeed turn out to be the perfect dick.

Inappropriate

2008-07-24T17:03:00.003-05:00

Uh...yeah...I don't need those opinions after all. The entirely too forward, fully inappropriate and unacceptable from a man you don't really know yet text came at 5:00 this morning...

A pic of his boxer-briefed crotch with morning wood.

There is absolutely nothing cool about that from a man you don't know. That only means one thing. I have absolutely no interest in who "you" whatsoever.

Fuck off.

Now am I particularly looking for some serious commitment right now? Not so much. But is it too much to ask that you not treat me like a fucking hooker and show some fucking respect???

I almost replied back with "You realize we don't actually know each other, correct???" but opted to ignore it all-together.

Unfortunately, I got the following idea from a friend of mine after I'd deleted the message. She said to post the pic with a Perez Hilton-style caption and nicknaming him "wood chip!"

ROTFLMAO!!!!!

Because, well...that would be appropriate. It didn't look that impressive and it's not like boxer briefs leave too much to the imagination...

Opinions Please...

2008-07-23T16:48:00.004-05:00

So...I just received a text from a new guy. I found him on a dating website while doing online research for work. Suuuuuper hot so I really couldn't resist. This was two days ago. Yesterday, he replied and we emailed for a bit. Exchanged phone numbers but still haven't spoken.

No, we've been texting. Not too much, but still...

Damned texts are the downfall of civilization and social graces as we know it...

Then today. TODAY. As in less than 48 hours after my initial e-mail. I get a text at 7:00.

A.M.

"Good mornin, sunshine! Mmm...it's HUMP DAY!"

Call me prudish - except we all know I'm not - but don't go with sexual references and double entendres when we've never had voice on voice contact. I just replied with a simple good morning.

Then a little while ago another text. "Smooches...how's your day going?"

Sweet sure. But "smooches" when - AGAIN I SAY - there's been no voice on voice contact. I haven't responded yet. I'm not really sure how to.
****************************************************************

In other news of note - there is sooooooooooo much to say, so many drunken boy stories to relay but I've totally be procrastinating them and I'm not sure why.

Smitten

2008-07-12T16:29:00.006-05:00

I am completely smitten right now. And lord knows I've tried not to be but I am. I can't help it. This isn't the way you behave with "just friends."

I received an email from JR with a picture in it - which did I want for my birthday.

I replied that I was too distracted by all of the sparkly objects but to get me the dancer in the back. I just received a response. I was too late and was getting what was in the next pic. The next email comes with subject line was "Happy Poop Day." (He kept threatening to bring me moose poop back as a gift.)

My response was: "What is THAT!?!? Should I be disturbed right now??? Because I think I'm disturbed right now... "

But the truth is...I'm not disturbed. I'm completely and totally smitten. I guess I'll find out tomorrow what he got me. And isn't the gift telling of what and how someone thinks of you?

(Not to mention that he got something for my best friend that he's never met in Rome. It'd be pretty crappy if he got something for my best friend the stranger and not me.)

Something There...

2008-07-12T13:00:00.004-05:00

There's something there with JR. I just know it. I feel it in my bones dammit. My best friend K has to be right when she says, "He wants you."

I got a happy birthday text from him first thing in the morning, his time. He's on the 2nd leg of what I've coined and he himself has adopted calling, "the world tour."

The exchange goes like this:

Happy bday!!!

Thanks darlin!

Having fun today?!?!

So far so great! Not the same w/o you of course! J/K! ;-)

:)

Yes, I admit...it's pure cheese. And completely high school all over again. But as K said a while back - enjoy the flirtation because it's not like it happens all that often. Generally, my friends and I have been the kind of girls that jump right in there. No long flirtations. No courting. Meet, suss them out then see them naked.

Speaking of...

You know the episode of SatC where Samantha says Richard has the perfect dick. Long. Pink. Amazing.

I met my own Richard.

To be continued...

Recurrence

2008-07-08T15:50:00.003-05:00

If a dream happens twice, can you call it a recurring dream?

What about if the dream is so far from your personality and so similar. And over 1 1/2 years apart. Then, can we call it a recurring dream?

The dream last night was about my wedding. Except I'm a commitment-phobe from way back. I've barely come close to the altar.

And last night's altar wasn't one I wanted to be near either.

It was a quick ceremony and then he and I went to dinner afterwards. Just the two of us. Him in whatever and me in some sort of meringue concoction. And through the dinner I kept thinking - this is bullshit! I just got married and there are no friends. Where's the party? Where's the cake??? We just got married and we're at dinner. Alone. I can't stay married. I have to get an annulment. How the hell will I get out of sex tonight to get the annulment?

The new groom collects our things from the ceremony site (I'm pretty sure we'd had guests?) and we go back to his house. It's a very plain, mediocre house where we sit in the front yard. I keep thinking to myself how I've had no reception and this is just crap. How do I get out of sex and how do I get out of this new marriage. The only thing I remember about how I get into the marriage to begin with is that he asked me to marry him and I said yes. We never dated. We never had sex. Not even during the engagement period.

So while we're in the front yard, people start to show up. First is his very cute best friend. The friend looks at me and says, "You must be Amanda."

"Uh...no. She dumped him so he asked me to marry him and I said yes."

Others show up. We go inside and there's a "surprise" reception set up for me. But I'm secretly FREAKING because I didn't plan it and NOTHING is as I would have wanted. The cakes are ice cream cakes just sitting out and melting. He starts to cut the cake without telling anyone.

"You have to make an announcement to the guests see and the photographers get it."

I just get blank stares and he hands me some pre-sliced cake.

I look at the three photographers. "Who do you work for?"

"Huh?"

"I know a lot of photographers. Who do you work for? Maybe you work for someone I know."

"Oh...no. I work at Baylor. I just do this for fun."

Ugh...not to mention that they're not actually taking pictures anyway.

Then a catering director I used to work with shows up. "Thank God!!! Finally!!! Someone I know!" and give her a huge hug. As we hug, I whisper in her ear, "I didn't plan any of this and I don't know how to get out!"

Then...I wake up. I had this dream before - or at least, the exact feel of it. The last time, the reception was significantly grand, glamorous and opulent and I never saw the groom. This time, cheep and cheesy, but I did have the groom. Each time - the groom and I didn't know each other for long and hadn't had sex. I wondered how I was going to get out of sex on the wedding night and how quickly I could get an annulment or divorce. Also, I'd had no control over the details of the reception and was HATING it. Although secretly of course...

So the question is...what the hell does this mean???

On The Myth of the Romantic Comedy

2008-07-05T14:24:00.003-05:00

I'm going to throw something out there. And I want you to tell me if you agree or not.

Growing up, I was always a huge fan of the romantic comedy. So many of them are cheesy, and even the good ones still follow the staid formula. But I never cared. I loved them. From the fairy tales we're fed as little girls to the relationship movies as we go through our teens and twenties, they make you feel hopeful. Full of hope that some man out there will come through with the "grand gesture."

However, once you get into your thirties, they just seem depressing. Because it's at this time that you realize, the grand gesture isn't happening. It's difficult to find a man with the balls to ask you out in person or over the phone instead of text. You can't truly believe that the man that has to ask you out by text is going to be the man with the fortitude and creativity to do the "overcoming of whatever adversity or commitment issues" to give you wild declaration in "insert your favorite movie grand gesture here."

Yesterday's Oprah was about women in their 30's. The first issues of the 30 something women was how many of us that are single. Over 6 million. MILLION! One of the women I could completely relate to. She was smart, career driven and as she put it, "Own a home, car and have all the trappings of living an adult life." She said men found her intimidating even though her girlfriends said she wasn't.

Well...my girlfriends HAVE said I'm intimidating. But an excellent point was brought up - once you reach a certain age, you SHOULD have these things...the car, home, career. Because who wants to be with a person that is content to float through life without any sort of direction or drive anyway? The point that I feel should be embraced by single women is - you SHOULD have these things.

Men should be intimidated by you.

And I like that. It means that you're doing something right. Very right. And if they can overcome it, then they just might be man enough to handle you.

Question of the Day

2008-07-04T14:56:00.003-05:00

This morning I had a thought.

When you're single, truly single with no ties to boyfriend, random dater or children, and every decision you make is for you and you alone. How do you know when you're having me time?

Do you have to be over the top indulgent to realize that this is your me time? Because simple magazine suggestions - catching up with your favorite tv show, taking a leisurely bath or even reading that magazine - don't feel like me time. It's not as though there is anyone or anything standing in your way to stop you from doing these things. So these things don't seem too indulgent.

Have you seen that commercial where the lady is on her laptop in an airport waiting lounge? She looks up into the camera and says, "I haven't had a day off since the 3rd grade."

I know that girl. I am that girl. Or at least, I've been that girl up until a couple of weeks ago. Every job I've ever had I've put my heart and soul into. And it's been drained right out of my body. But I'm the person that has to put everything into it and would never let a client down no matter how little my employers have seen my value. Failure has never been an option for me. In truth, failure scares the shit out of me.

My last gig I didn't give my requisite 120% because I just wasn't feelin' it. Not only was it not the best fit for me, it was almost like an extended hangover from the job prior to that. BUT...there was also the ever-present, underlying stress that my boss would realize that I was completely slacking off. Anyway, I left that gig to start my own business. Response has been positive and there was a nice amount of momentum starting to build.

Until a couple of weeks ago. I just stopped. No real reason...just didn't want to do anything. I, like the girl in the commercial, feel like I've been working without a break since the 3rd grade. This, I would say, is being completely indulgent. I've rented and watched movies. Gone out drinking in the middle of the week. Many days during the week. Drinking so much that the hangover lasts a majority of the day which leads to more movie and television watching.

From bed. Because isn't that the most indulgent place to do it???

And from this I've learned. I never want to work 50-70 hours a week. ever. again.

BUT...brings me back to the original question - when it's not completely over the top indulgence, how do you recognize me time when all of your decisions are strictly for yourself?

About Last Night...

2008-07-04T09:41:00.005-05:00

Which is really about this morning.

So it's a little after 9:30 last night and I hadn't heard about said plans. I send a text asking if we're still on. (have to do that with this one - he forgets things) He says yes, but doesn't know where yet. I get a text a bit after 10 that they'll be at one of the downtown beer joints. Without thinking, I just say see you shortly. He says to look for his pseudo-lil' sis because he'll be later.

I start getting ready. As I'm half-makeup-ed (yes that's a word now!) I realize...I have no interest in going out. I don't want to jack with downtown traffic. I don't want to jack with upped police presence. And more importantly - I don't want to jack with a beer joint and "the group."

Better explanation -

jack with the beer joint - I'm not a beer drinker. Sure, every so often there's nothing better than a beer. Say, at the end of a long, hot day of physical work. But as far as just to go out and drink...not my bag. Not to mention that I know one of the managers at this place but for the life of me can't remember his name. And this isn't one of those "just met, what was your name again?" This is someone I've known for a great many years. And has apparently been interested in me the entire time. I didn't know that when we first met, but he revealed it to me a few years ago as he talked about the two other men that I dated way back when that he used to work with. He told me that those two were competing enough for me, he didn't want to throw his hat into the ring too. Fair enough.
"The group" - Huge group of JR's friends. They're all perfectly friendly enough, but they're not my friends. They may be one day, but not today. I'm just along on JR's ride no matter how much he says no. Because of the odd dynamic between JR and myself, it means there's this odd dynamic with the friends because I don't have a "place." Not that anyone has said so or made me feel this way, it's just how it is. I mean think about it - one of the single guys of the group brings a girl in except their not dating. Just someone from high school that has been reconnected with. And when you're our age, single men and women don't find new friends to be "just friends." Not to mention the fact that when he's with them we don't really get to talk because he's constantly distracted. Pair that up with him having been gone so long and leaving on another trip today and you've got everyone wanting a little piece of him. I didn't want to be part of the fray.

So I didn't go. I couldn't bring myself to do it. And I thankfully feel the crush wane again.

And yet early this morning I receive a text - Missed you last night!

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with this??? Because I know full well that we would have barely spoken and once he's drunk he's pretty damned useless anyway. We have an amusing little text exchange for 7am and then he's off on the second leg of what I've been calling his "world tour." But still - missing me? After my voice mail turning him on and he wanted to hear my voice? Seriously. And yet, still not the cajones to make a move. If he in fact even wants to. I tried only to crash and burn in magnificent fashion. I'm not trying again.

A while back in the midst of this odd scenario, I made a decision. I'm going to ignore the crush and move on like there's nothing there. I'm sticking with this decision. JR will be gone for the next week, back for a couple of days and on yet another trip. By then we'll have one of two situations - I can be completely done or we'll be in an "absence makes his heart grow fonder." It's when we haven't seen/talked in a while that these random declarations (miss you/want to hear your voice) come from him anyway.

The Continuation

2008-07-03T17:25:00.003-05:00

So as I said yesterday, I was wrong. JR wasn't gone for good.

I made the next move by casually asking him to a restaurant preview which he immediately accepted. He helped me design a logo for for the business I was working for. The next day, he invited me to happy hour with his friends. Happy hour becomes dinner and dinner becomes movie. He started inviting me to all of the friend outings. He's sort of like this group's "social director."

But then I go and do something ridiculously embarrassing because I'm pretty sure he won't remember it. The evening of the restaurant preview, he gets drunk and was hitting on cocktail waitresses. I proceed to get as drunk as him. Liquid courage and all. We go upstairs and are lying on the chaise lounge together. I throw it all out there. The HUGE crush in high school. The continuation of said crush. All he said was "yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Hmmm."

Then I say "Fuck it." and kiss him. We kissed for a loooong time. Minor groping, but all still fairly innocent enough. And what do I have to do??? Become a "chick."

"So...are you kissing me because you're interested in me too or because I'm the one that happens to be here?"

"Shut up, you're drunk."

I do, thankfully. But I'm also completely disheartened. I go home.

The next day, all hell breaks loose while I'm hungover. The boss calls, "things are bleak." That's all he would say. I ask if I need to look for something else and he says nothing. I email JR and he was totally there for me. But when I go to his house, it was also more than a little strained. But it also cleared itself up.

So other than this most embarrassing display which is now thankfully in the past, there's still the friendly flirtation. Random texts to see what's going on. While we were working on my logo design, I put on my glasses. From behind me I hear,

"HOT!"

"What?"

"Your glasses. You look hot."

"Really?"

"Yes. I love a girl in glasses. And those are some awesome glasses."

And they are some pretty awesome glasses. :-D

The day after he and friends went tubing, he sent me an email. That he missed me. When he went to the coast, he brought me back the TACKIEST magnet ever. It's totally the trashiest magnet in my collection. The friend he went with said they went all over the island to find the worst possible magnet for me. My best friend said it was like he made it his personal mission to find me the tackiest magnet there. He agreed. Even said he was honored when I told him it was the tackiest of the collection.

Friends say he's obviously interested, but shy. I still don't know. I tried to put it all behind me and just be friends. And it was fairly easy to do because he was in Rome for 2 weeks.

Until yesterday...

He called me early yesterday afternoon, delirious with jet lag. The message starts out with "Wow! I think that professional voice mail may have just turned me on or it may have been the jet lag." Then after a pause he says he's just kidding. Proceeds to tell me his schedule for the next couple of days before his next trip then says, "Give me a call I want to hear your voice." and then checking in on my new business, blah, blah, blah.

And the crush that was almost gone starts to creep back. I sent him a text last night that I was in downtown if he was coherent. He was on the westside but asked where I was. I got a text a couple of hours later apologizing for not making it and I asked if he wanted to get together sometime today if he'd have the time. He said to let him see how the day goes and he'd call me. He sent a text earlier today that he's probably end up in downtown tonight and did I want to join. I was too hungover at the time to fully commit but said most likely and to let me know when and where.

And that brings us to the now.

Crush

2008-07-02T18:18:00.003-05:00

So let's throw out our first "boy story" shall we?

May as well...this one could be around for a while in many different capacities. We'll call him - JR. Better get yourself a big drink and settle in - it's going to be a long one.

JR and I practically grew up together. At least since middle school where we were band geeks together. Except he was never really that geeky. Super-smart, drummer, tennis player, perpetually cool.

And I was perpetually smitten.

Fast forward to high school. I'm still completely smitten. The biggest 16-y-0 girl crush ever. It's my junior year (his senior) and he sits in front of me in Physics. (My other big crush sat behind me - it was torture and heaven at 11:00am everyday) Our teacher always sold candy and sodas and every Friday I would buy a Reece's pb cups.

And every time, JR would turn around and try to bargain them off of me. And it always got him one - after he worked for it. His usual line was "It's Fat Friday - you better give those to me. I don't want you to get fat."

"But I don't want you to get fat either."

"I won't. I'm a guy. It only counts for girls."

We'd go around and around like this for a good 5 minutes or so until class started and then I'd cave and give him one.

We hung out. Sat around each other on the band bus when it was long trips. I spent soooo much time at his lake house just laying on the bed watching David Letterman. He loved David Letterman. And being a girl of 16, it meant I did too.

It was always very flirtatious (for 16 & 17 yo shy people anyway) and yet nothing ever happened. Except wrestling and tickle fights. I'd win the wrestle; he'd win the tickle fight. But that's the most physical it ever got.

He graduated and we wrote letters back and forth while he was away at college. It's my senior year and I'm looking at his college among others. We'd written about when I'd be down there and he said to come by. I did, to no answer. I called and dropped by quite a few times but never got him. I didn't think anything about it until a friend of mine told me the truth. Her boyfriend and JR were roommates. The boyfriend tells her that he was there the entire time and never answered. Didn't want to. Needless to say, I was crushed but got over it. Obviously, the letters stopped after that.

Fast forward another few years. I've gone from geeky band girl to party girl turning into cranky, burnt-out theatre girl. I've transferred to a local college and run into him before an audition. I'm trying to shove a sourdough jack in my face before the audition when I see him. Full mouth and all. I'm in shock. Especially since the last known contact he's ignored me. Well, this impression would never have helped out my case either. We're sitting in the hallway while I shove fast food in my mouth. A classmate tells me we've got a test in a class I've barely attended at 8am the next day. The only legible word that comes out of my mouth is "fuck." As in:

"fuck. fuck. FUCK!!! fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!!!!!"

He looked at me as though I'd killed his puppy.

I see my once crush after many years. He's conservative. Eats uber-healthy and I'm shoving burgers in my gob and yelling Fuck. Match made in heaven right???

This display of elegance, lady-likeness and decorum took place in 96.

Zoom into a few months ago. I find him online and timidly send a friend request that immediately gets accepted. I send an email which doesn't get immediately returned. As a matter of fact, it doesn't get returned for a few weeks.

In the time that the email is out there, floating, unanswered. I see him. Of course, considering the last time I'd ever seen him 12 years ago and the unanswered email out there, I freak and leave the restaurant. What I'd wanted to be a casual Sunday brunch has now sent me into hiding.

I got his email 2 days later. I asked him if he was who I saw and he says yes, probably. Then he asks why I didn't come say hi.

"Oh...you were with so many people, I didn't want to interrupt."

He said he wouldn't have minded and that I should have. We meet for dinner and drinks that evening. I secretly hoped that he would suck or become an asshole or anything so the silly crush would end. But I also didn't want him to suck either. Unfortunately, or fortunately, he didn't suck. Far from it actually. Owns his own company. Fabulous car, AMAZING home in a downtown high-rise. It was everything I wanted for myself. Seriously. We have the same taste in interior decorating. I ADORE his home!

Being with him was like being back in high school again. Except in a good way. A better way. The casual, friendly flirtation was still there. The only difference was that while we never, ever discussed sex in high school - it randomly hit our conversations this time around. I left his home that evening with the same crush. And glimmers that he was interested too. There were two moments, two looks he gave me that you don't give your "just friends." But he gave them to me.

The next day I sent a thank you text and he said he'd had a great time too. But we don't speak for a while after that. To his regard, he did get sick but I just knew it was finished. Like so many other men I've been genuinely interested in in the past. Thankfully, I was wrong.

I think this is a good point for a break. I've got to get ready for a wine tasting event later this evening.

To be continued...

Introducing...

2008-07-01T22:55:00.001-05:00

Champagne Mafia!!!

Welcome to my blog! Here we'll find all sorts of sordid details of my life as a covert party girl and general bon vivant around town. I know too many people, I tend to drink a tad too much and make out with inappropriate men.

And I usually have an ulterior motive...

Stay tuned...