I think this blog is ready to come to a close. It strayed from my original intentions and I'm no longer that person anyway. What I need now is a place I can openly, anonymously vent. I've cultivated an image that is, at times, exhausting to keep up and my personal and professional lives have bleed together too much to vent as "myself." After all...I still have an image to maintain.
If I start up again, I let on. Truth be told, I may not.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Wow
I just learned yesterday that I'm on major, national news network. This network picked up an article I was in from another MAJOR national source.
I'm national. Major national. And I recently finished my first 5K.
The long string of recent men that can't be bothered to treat me the way I deserve can suck it.
I'm national. Major national. And I recently finished my first 5K.
The long string of recent men that can't be bothered to treat me the way I deserve can suck it.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Uh...Sure...Congrats?
Facebook...ah, yes...Facebook. Through Facebook, you learn everything. And kids, what did we learn tonight on Facebook???
Once upon a time, not that long ago, the ring leader of the Champagne Mafia was told by a former gentleman of her past that while he loved his girlfriend, he could not stop thinking about her. About the sex. The girlfriend just wasn't as good as her.
"I can't stop thinking about the times we were together."
"Really?" Champagne would ask. "Because it's not like it was swinging from the chandeliers type sex or anything."
Let's face it, this was a man intimidated by my vibrator.
But yes, he often thought about how "hot" our sex was. Every so often would try to get together with me. Matter of fact, every time we've seen each other over the last year and a half, he's mentioned it.
And today, he announced on Facebook that his girlfriend has agreed to marry him.
Lucky girl.
*cough*
Once upon a time, not that long ago, the ring leader of the Champagne Mafia was told by a former gentleman of her past that while he loved his girlfriend, he could not stop thinking about her. About the sex. The girlfriend just wasn't as good as her.
"I can't stop thinking about the times we were together."
"Really?" Champagne would ask. "Because it's not like it was swinging from the chandeliers type sex or anything."
Let's face it, this was a man intimidated by my vibrator.
But yes, he often thought about how "hot" our sex was. Every so often would try to get together with me. Matter of fact, every time we've seen each other over the last year and a half, he's mentioned it.
And today, he announced on Facebook that his girlfriend has agreed to marry him.
Lucky girl.
*cough*
Saturday, August 15, 2009
On Boys, Christians and Speaking Up for Yourself
I don't even know where to begin.
Let's start with "boys" with also includes some of the "speaking up for yourself." Never did hear from JJK until about a month ago. He sent me a message asking if I'd won a contest my company was in. And I. let. him. have it!!!
He apologized. Should've been more of a man, blah, blah. I never returned his email. But I have to say, it felt soooooo good to get that off of my chest. Even though I've always been pretty assertive and spoken up in business, it's only been in the last year or so that I've done so in my personal life. But it all boils down to this...you teach people how to treat you. Sure, I'm not getting laid anymore, but when do it's with someone that's actually interested in me.
And that's sooooo much better.
Onto the "Christians" and this time, not so much speaking up for yourself. For the last couple of days, there's been a heated Christianity debate on the FB page of a friend of mine's. It sure as fuck didn't start the way, but a "friend" of hers started one and really went into crazy nut bag about it as well. It started with a link to the video of Chris Mathews asking an unrepentant, clueless radical why he brought a "god-damned" gun to a presidential appearance. Everyone's talking about the video when this woman talks about how offended she is over the words "god damn" and said that Chris Matthews was going onto God's "Watch list." She talked about how we needed God and should talk about spirituality instead of worldly events and she was going to pray for our souls.
And during all of this I had a thought. The type of thought that is WILDLY unpopular, hence "not so much speaking up for yourself." I'm not religious. I was raised in the church, but can tell you the EXACT moments that I decided that church and organized religion was no longer for me. The experiences that turned me off are THAT vivid. But I don't mind your religion and I don't give a shit what it is. Pray to God, Jesus, the Holy Trinity, Allah, Buddah, your cat, the trees, whatever. I don't care. But don't you dare start trying to shove it down my throat.
So here's my horrible, I couldn't speak of it in public thought...If I think about it...I'm better than the religious. Why you ask? Because I try to do the right thing, act ethically and treat others well just because. I'm not doing it to get into heaven, or avoid hell, or because I've been guilted into it because of some ethereal being. I do it because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't always get me a good outcome, but it's the right thing to do.
Which doesn't lead me to my next point, but it's the other thing I want to talk about...
I've always believed that everything happened for a reason. However, if that's really the case, then what the FUCK is the universe trying to tell me right now...
A few weeks ago, I went into my current fave restaurant and a friend that I hadn't seen in AGES is working there now. He and I plus many others used to always hang together when we all worked in downtown. So then a couple of weeks ago, I was in again and we were talking after he got off work. Turns out, we BOTH had has this total crush on each other back in the day and neither of us said/did anything about it. He didn't do anything because he thought I wasn't interested. I didn't do anything because I thought he was out of my league. He, of course, was SHOCKED at that idea but I was 21/22 and thought everyone worth being interested in was out of my league.
So as we talk he says, "I feel like there's this kiss that we need to get out of the way," and grabs my face and plants the most passionate kiss on my lips. Still in the restaurant. In front of ALL of his co-workers. I pull away in shock because this was just waaaay to hot for being in public. Later, we go at in on the patio. And then at my house. It was some of the hottest kissing EVAAAAR!!! And I'm not sure if it's because it was over a decade in the making or because I didn't expect it from someone so quiet.
Probably a mix of both.
We do end up having sex, but not before a harsh (on my end), honest discussion. "Are you just looking to fuck me and never speak to me again because I'll kick you out right now?"
"No."
"Are you just saying that to get some?"
"No"
"Are you sure"
"Yes"
"Seriously. Because I'm going to tell you right now, casual is not OK with me and I'll hunt your fucking ass down and kick it if I find out you're lying to me."
"I'm not. But let's turn this around. Who's to say you'll have me again?"
"Because I'll almost always give a second chance...especially to someone I really like."
"What do you mean 'second chance'"?
"Second go 'round, because the first time is never that great. Usually it's just awkward."
Dear god in heaven I totally laid down the gauntlet. It was like I'd issued up a challenge or something. It was definitely one of the hottest "first times" in history. And how I was complaining that JJK would never kiss me during? This one did. A lot. Would grab my face and pull me to him to kiss me. Everything was just shocking and perfection.
Except for the nail broken below the quick anyway...but I digress...
The next day I got a text..."I still got your kiss burning on my lips."
And the beautiful hotness and connection continued daily for the rest of the week. Mainly with us texting while he was at work. Some funny. Some HOT but all appreciated. The last text I received from him was after I told him I'd had a long day and was going to bed but thought his arms needed to be around me again soon..."These arms of mine are burning and yearning for you and if you would let them hold you, you'd feel brand new. Sleep well."
It's the only time I've ever been spoken to that way by a man and not wanted to vomit. I was completely and totally smitten. Full on crush.
But my full on crush fully crashed. I didn't hear from him again. After a couple of days I sent a text - You've gone from burning and yearning to nothing. What the hell happened? If something's going on or different, I'd rather know sooner than later.
He apologized and said he was going through some personal drama that he didn't want to involve me in but he hoped to make it up to me soon. Fine. Fair enough.
So I was in the week after and found out what the drama was. I figured it was ex-wife or child or some other such nonsense. Boy fuck was I wrong. He has cancer!!!!! Totally dropped that shit on me and walked off. Seriously. I'd gone in for happy hour and had barely started my cocktail. He comes up and asks how I am.
"Fantastic."
"How's everything going?"
"Fabulous!" It's not, but I'm not going to tell that to him. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't really know me doesn't need to know. "How are you?"
"Cursed."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah...I'm fucking cursed."
"You're not 'fucking cursed'."
"Yes I am. I have cancer."
I gasp and am fully speechless. He says, "Yeah, that's kinda how I feel about it to. Gotta work." and walks off.
So now I know absolutely NOTHING about what's going on. Type. Stage. Nothing. I hung out with the owner's wife for most of the evening and he barely spoke to me again. I was getting ready to leave and was looking for him to say goodbye when I saw him in his car taking off. It broke my heart. I went to another bar where the bartender just knew I was having a bad night and made me a vodka the size of my head. He asked if I wanted to talk about it but I said no. I knew if I did, I'd totally start crying.
When I got home, I sent him a text that I didn't care, I still liked him. What did I get back???
"Dude!! I went to get Art cigs and when I got back, you'd split!"
I told him I thought he'd left me and next time, say something. Apologies. He's all in his head and not thinking about anything else. Pain. Treatment. He's scared. Definitely not trying to be rude. I again tell him that I didn't care, I dig him. The next day I told him if he wanted to get together for coffee, drinks, whatever that I'm sure this is very frightening and I'd like to lend an ear, shoulder, hug. He said it was kind of me to offer, could be nice and he'd give a call.
Seriously, I don't know where the fuck all this is coming from. The commitment phobe just told the cancer patient she likes him anyway. I've been through this before. I've been the caretaker for people in chemo. It's ugly. Really, really ugly.
So if everything happens for a reason, what is this experience and my reaction to it trying to say/teach me...
Let's start with "boys" with also includes some of the "speaking up for yourself." Never did hear from JJK until about a month ago. He sent me a message asking if I'd won a contest my company was in. And I. let. him. have it!!!
"I originally was going to let this go unsaid, but am now changing my mind.
You've got a lot of nerve to act like you're interested in something of my life
now when you just stop calling a couple of months ago. It was growing obvious to
me that apathy was settling in, but still. We'd been seeing each other for over
four and a half months. I deserved the uncomfortable conversation. If it'd been
under a month - fine. Sure. No Problem. But almost FIVE months. I deserved more.
I deserved better. In the beginning, you seemed so different from other guys I'd
gone out with...more kind, thoughtful. Nice. In the end, your actions towards me
were no different than anyone else's. Apparently, you could just hide it better.
So thanks. You've been a real peach."
He apologized. Should've been more of a man, blah, blah. I never returned his email. But I have to say, it felt soooooo good to get that off of my chest. Even though I've always been pretty assertive and spoken up in business, it's only been in the last year or so that I've done so in my personal life. But it all boils down to this...you teach people how to treat you. Sure, I'm not getting laid anymore, but when do it's with someone that's actually interested in me.
And that's sooooo much better.
Onto the "Christians" and this time, not so much speaking up for yourself. For the last couple of days, there's been a heated Christianity debate on the FB page of a friend of mine's. It sure as fuck didn't start the way, but a "friend" of hers started one and really went into crazy nut bag about it as well. It started with a link to the video of Chris Mathews asking an unrepentant, clueless radical why he brought a "god-damned" gun to a presidential appearance. Everyone's talking about the video when this woman talks about how offended she is over the words "god damn" and said that Chris Matthews was going onto God's "Watch list." She talked about how we needed God and should talk about spirituality instead of worldly events and she was going to pray for our souls.
And during all of this I had a thought. The type of thought that is WILDLY unpopular, hence "not so much speaking up for yourself." I'm not religious. I was raised in the church, but can tell you the EXACT moments that I decided that church and organized religion was no longer for me. The experiences that turned me off are THAT vivid. But I don't mind your religion and I don't give a shit what it is. Pray to God, Jesus, the Holy Trinity, Allah, Buddah, your cat, the trees, whatever. I don't care. But don't you dare start trying to shove it down my throat.
So here's my horrible, I couldn't speak of it in public thought...If I think about it...I'm better than the religious. Why you ask? Because I try to do the right thing, act ethically and treat others well just because. I'm not doing it to get into heaven, or avoid hell, or because I've been guilted into it because of some ethereal being. I do it because it's the right thing to do. It doesn't always get me a good outcome, but it's the right thing to do.
Which doesn't lead me to my next point, but it's the other thing I want to talk about...
I've always believed that everything happened for a reason. However, if that's really the case, then what the FUCK is the universe trying to tell me right now...
A few weeks ago, I went into my current fave restaurant and a friend that I hadn't seen in AGES is working there now. He and I plus many others used to always hang together when we all worked in downtown. So then a couple of weeks ago, I was in again and we were talking after he got off work. Turns out, we BOTH had has this total crush on each other back in the day and neither of us said/did anything about it. He didn't do anything because he thought I wasn't interested. I didn't do anything because I thought he was out of my league. He, of course, was SHOCKED at that idea but I was 21/22 and thought everyone worth being interested in was out of my league.
So as we talk he says, "I feel like there's this kiss that we need to get out of the way," and grabs my face and plants the most passionate kiss on my lips. Still in the restaurant. In front of ALL of his co-workers. I pull away in shock because this was just waaaay to hot for being in public. Later, we go at in on the patio. And then at my house. It was some of the hottest kissing EVAAAAR!!! And I'm not sure if it's because it was over a decade in the making or because I didn't expect it from someone so quiet.
Probably a mix of both.
We do end up having sex, but not before a harsh (on my end), honest discussion. "Are you just looking to fuck me and never speak to me again because I'll kick you out right now?"
"No."
"Are you just saying that to get some?"
"No"
"Are you sure"
"Yes"
"Seriously. Because I'm going to tell you right now, casual is not OK with me and I'll hunt your fucking ass down and kick it if I find out you're lying to me."
"I'm not. But let's turn this around. Who's to say you'll have me again?"
"Because I'll almost always give a second chance...especially to someone I really like."
"What do you mean 'second chance'"?
"Second go 'round, because the first time is never that great. Usually it's just awkward."
Dear god in heaven I totally laid down the gauntlet. It was like I'd issued up a challenge or something. It was definitely one of the hottest "first times" in history. And how I was complaining that JJK would never kiss me during? This one did. A lot. Would grab my face and pull me to him to kiss me. Everything was just shocking and perfection.
Except for the nail broken below the quick anyway...but I digress...
The next day I got a text..."I still got your kiss burning on my lips."
And the beautiful hotness and connection continued daily for the rest of the week. Mainly with us texting while he was at work. Some funny. Some HOT but all appreciated. The last text I received from him was after I told him I'd had a long day and was going to bed but thought his arms needed to be around me again soon..."These arms of mine are burning and yearning for you and if you would let them hold you, you'd feel brand new. Sleep well."
It's the only time I've ever been spoken to that way by a man and not wanted to vomit. I was completely and totally smitten. Full on crush.
But my full on crush fully crashed. I didn't hear from him again. After a couple of days I sent a text - You've gone from burning and yearning to nothing. What the hell happened? If something's going on or different, I'd rather know sooner than later.
He apologized and said he was going through some personal drama that he didn't want to involve me in but he hoped to make it up to me soon. Fine. Fair enough.
So I was in the week after and found out what the drama was. I figured it was ex-wife or child or some other such nonsense. Boy fuck was I wrong. He has cancer!!!!! Totally dropped that shit on me and walked off. Seriously. I'd gone in for happy hour and had barely started my cocktail. He comes up and asks how I am.
"Fantastic."
"How's everything going?"
"Fabulous!" It's not, but I'm not going to tell that to him. As far as I'm concerned, anyone that doesn't really know me doesn't need to know. "How are you?"
"Cursed."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah...I'm fucking cursed."
"You're not 'fucking cursed'."
"Yes I am. I have cancer."
I gasp and am fully speechless. He says, "Yeah, that's kinda how I feel about it to. Gotta work." and walks off.
So now I know absolutely NOTHING about what's going on. Type. Stage. Nothing. I hung out with the owner's wife for most of the evening and he barely spoke to me again. I was getting ready to leave and was looking for him to say goodbye when I saw him in his car taking off. It broke my heart. I went to another bar where the bartender just knew I was having a bad night and made me a vodka the size of my head. He asked if I wanted to talk about it but I said no. I knew if I did, I'd totally start crying.
When I got home, I sent him a text that I didn't care, I still liked him. What did I get back???
"Dude!! I went to get Art cigs and when I got back, you'd split!"
I told him I thought he'd left me and next time, say something. Apologies. He's all in his head and not thinking about anything else. Pain. Treatment. He's scared. Definitely not trying to be rude. I again tell him that I didn't care, I dig him. The next day I told him if he wanted to get together for coffee, drinks, whatever that I'm sure this is very frightening and I'd like to lend an ear, shoulder, hug. He said it was kind of me to offer, could be nice and he'd give a call.
Seriously, I don't know where the fuck all this is coming from. The commitment phobe just told the cancer patient she likes him anyway. I've been through this before. I've been the caretaker for people in chemo. It's ugly. Really, really ugly.
So if everything happens for a reason, what is this experience and my reaction to it trying to say/teach me...
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Done
Haven't heard from The Boy in over two and a half weeks. I'm sending him to "the island."
SatC devotees know what I'm talking about!!
The vast majority of me doesn't give a shit. But there is a tiny part of me that is pissed and thinks, "Seriously?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!? You can actually go from us fucking like rabbits and the 'I miss yous' and 'I can't wait to see you agains' to NOTHING. Without so much as an 'I'm done' or 'It's not working anymore' or "KISS MY ASS"."
So you can go fuck yourself. Because I won't be doing it again. Ever. And when I'm a national superstar and you're still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, you can say, "Wow. And I could have had her."
Then again, you may have held me back too. Good luck...and Good Riddance...
SatC devotees know what I'm talking about!!
The vast majority of me doesn't give a shit. But there is a tiny part of me that is pissed and thinks, "Seriously?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!? You can actually go from us fucking like rabbits and the 'I miss yous' and 'I can't wait to see you agains' to NOTHING. Without so much as an 'I'm done' or 'It's not working anymore' or "KISS MY ASS"."
So you can go fuck yourself. Because I won't be doing it again. Ever. And when I'm a national superstar and you're still trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up, you can say, "Wow. And I could have had her."
Then again, you may have held me back too. Good luck...and Good Riddance...
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Perhaps...
So, I have a feeling that if you've gone from feeling guilty when someone flirted with you to not feeling the tiniest twinge of guilt when you're making out with someone in the backroom of the club, you're probably done right??
Looks like I'm done with The Boy. It's been a slow build I've been feeling. It started simply - the noise he makes because he has this HORRIBLE habit of sucking on his teeth. He does it all the time and it's annoying as fuck. I tried to get him to stop to no avail. I told him it bothered me, but he didn't stop. I told him it made my muscles twitch and skin crawl - nothing. Told him I heard it in my head ALL. The. Time. Nada. Even tried the passive aggressive making of a similar noise each and every time he did it.
Yep. You guessed it. Never stopped. I don't think he ever made the conscious effort to.
Then, there was something else that was starting to slowly bug the shit out of me. When we started "getting to business" he wouldn't kiss me. Even angled his head in such a way that I physically couldn't get my mouth to his without it hurting my neck. I actually head butted him once to try and get him to move his fucking head!
Did he?
Nope.
I'd just about gotten to the point that I was going to talk to him about it when the whole house got sick. I didn't see him for over a week and so once I saw him again, I was so excited about seeing him that all the things that bugged me flew out the window.
Almost.
Because there's another thing. I know that things settle and relationships and people lose their "newness." But there are a couple of things that are pretty much a requirement for me - and those things aren't there. We don't go out. The last time we went out to dinner together was in February. He doesn't even cook for me anymore. It's gone from us making dinner together to me having to eat before I go over there. I've gone with him to meet his friends - even when they wouldn't speak to me, but he wouldn't come with me to a friend's birthday dinner.
So when the big things I'm looking for in a relationship is someone to go out and do things with, and visit new restaurants with, and enjoy time with...and we're not doing ANY of these things...then why waste time?
I surprised him last week because I was on his side of town. He was FUUUUUUCKED UP on medications that the doctor gave him. It was soooo unbelievably horrible that I actually left 15 minutes later. I was super-excited because I'd just been at a KILLER concert and he was just jacked.
And I haven't talked with him since.
I gave it a lot of thought and talked with KP about it. It's been almost 5 months and he's refusing to call me a girlfriend. He no longer makes plans for us. We don't go out. He won't come out with me; he won't even come over to my house. Not to mention that our schedules are COMPLETELY different so every time I go over to his house, it ends up sucking up at least 24 hours and killing almost an entire day of work. When I'm going over there twice a week, that adds up. And the worst part of all of it is that we haven't had sex in over a month. That's just unacceptable. I'd decided, I'm going to just hang back and see what happens. I figure, go through this week and next week I'm on vacation. I'll examine what happens over these two weeks and make a decision from there.
Last night made my decision for me. On the one hand, there's a guy that hardly acts interested anymore. I literally haven't received any communication of any sort in a full week. Then last night, I had seven men hit on me. SEVEN!!! Even made out with one of them in a back room.
And felt zero guilt. About any of it. Not that I should - it's been made perfectly clear that I'm not a girlfriend. But I used to feel bad when anyone even sort of flirted with me.
Houston, I think we have a decision...
And we also had a FANTASTIC time last night!!!
Looks like I'm done with The Boy. It's been a slow build I've been feeling. It started simply - the noise he makes because he has this HORRIBLE habit of sucking on his teeth. He does it all the time and it's annoying as fuck. I tried to get him to stop to no avail. I told him it bothered me, but he didn't stop. I told him it made my muscles twitch and skin crawl - nothing. Told him I heard it in my head ALL. The. Time. Nada. Even tried the passive aggressive making of a similar noise each and every time he did it.
Yep. You guessed it. Never stopped. I don't think he ever made the conscious effort to.
Then, there was something else that was starting to slowly bug the shit out of me. When we started "getting to business" he wouldn't kiss me. Even angled his head in such a way that I physically couldn't get my mouth to his without it hurting my neck. I actually head butted him once to try and get him to move his fucking head!
Did he?
Nope.
I'd just about gotten to the point that I was going to talk to him about it when the whole house got sick. I didn't see him for over a week and so once I saw him again, I was so excited about seeing him that all the things that bugged me flew out the window.
Almost.
Because there's another thing. I know that things settle and relationships and people lose their "newness." But there are a couple of things that are pretty much a requirement for me - and those things aren't there. We don't go out. The last time we went out to dinner together was in February. He doesn't even cook for me anymore. It's gone from us making dinner together to me having to eat before I go over there. I've gone with him to meet his friends - even when they wouldn't speak to me, but he wouldn't come with me to a friend's birthday dinner.
So when the big things I'm looking for in a relationship is someone to go out and do things with, and visit new restaurants with, and enjoy time with...and we're not doing ANY of these things...then why waste time?
I surprised him last week because I was on his side of town. He was FUUUUUUCKED UP on medications that the doctor gave him. It was soooo unbelievably horrible that I actually left 15 minutes later. I was super-excited because I'd just been at a KILLER concert and he was just jacked.
And I haven't talked with him since.
I gave it a lot of thought and talked with KP about it. It's been almost 5 months and he's refusing to call me a girlfriend. He no longer makes plans for us. We don't go out. He won't come out with me; he won't even come over to my house. Not to mention that our schedules are COMPLETELY different so every time I go over to his house, it ends up sucking up at least 24 hours and killing almost an entire day of work. When I'm going over there twice a week, that adds up. And the worst part of all of it is that we haven't had sex in over a month. That's just unacceptable. I'd decided, I'm going to just hang back and see what happens. I figure, go through this week and next week I'm on vacation. I'll examine what happens over these two weeks and make a decision from there.
Last night made my decision for me. On the one hand, there's a guy that hardly acts interested anymore. I literally haven't received any communication of any sort in a full week. Then last night, I had seven men hit on me. SEVEN!!! Even made out with one of them in a back room.
And felt zero guilt. About any of it. Not that I should - it's been made perfectly clear that I'm not a girlfriend. But I used to feel bad when anyone even sort of flirted with me.
Houston, I think we have a decision...
And we also had a FANTASTIC time last night!!!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Hey You!
Yeah, you...I don't like you.
You are the most unbelievably ignorant, ridiculous, manipulative bitch I've ever met.
And I'm unfortunately related to you.
Then...just to add insult to injury, you're trying to be a damned client of mine.
Why won't you fucking sod off!!!!!
Because I assure you, whatever amount of money that I'd receive from your business isn't worth the extreme irritation I'd feel dealing with you.
I can't even wish you to hell because it's obvious from your poor health record that you've either got nine lives or sold your soul to the devil already.
God you're annoying as shit.
You are the most unbelievably ignorant, ridiculous, manipulative bitch I've ever met.
And I'm unfortunately related to you.
Then...just to add insult to injury, you're trying to be a damned client of mine.
Why won't you fucking sod off!!!!!
Because I assure you, whatever amount of money that I'd receive from your business isn't worth the extreme irritation I'd feel dealing with you.
I can't even wish you to hell because it's obvious from your poor health record that you've either got nine lives or sold your soul to the devil already.
God you're annoying as shit.
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